If you fight about money - read this post.
Fighting about anything with your partner is not fun, but fighting about money can be particularly difficult. Money is one of those weird things we think we shouldn’t have a lot of feelings about because it’s “just money” but then when a lazy Saturday conversation takes a dramatic turn, we find ourselves baffled about how we are going to the mats with our sweetie about a latte purchase.
Managing money together can be tough, but it's often due to the decisions you've made about how to approach it.
This is why couples fight about money, regardless of how much they have.
Common Challenges in Financial Discussions
There are a few very good reasons for this. The most common ones are below:
Money isn’t actually about money. It’s about everything that money gives you access to and this impacts every part of your life: Can we go to the movies this weekend? Can we move to our dream city? Can we take that trip? What kind of groceries can we buy? How many kids can we have? Can we retire early? At all? Can we go to that fancy restaurant our friends invited us to? What kind of college can we send our kid to? Can we take a dream job for less pay? How much time do I have available to be with kids? To take care of our health? Sick family members? The list goes on and on. And how much access and agency you have over your life is absolutely worth fighting over.
Very few people get a robust education about personal finances. Sometimes folks are lucky and have a financially savvy parent who insist we understand how this works, but mostly it’s something people don’t spend a lot of time talking about. And Surprise! A lot of people are not great at something they got little to no formal or informal education on, but are still wholly responsible for. We are basically just asking people to feel shitty about themselves with this set up.
Shame: As stated above, most folks are not set up to excel at personal finances. I’ve met with hundreds of couples and regardless if they are millionaires or working minimum wage, people get awkward when you start talking about actual numbers. I’m certain they would prefer I ask them details about their sex life over discussing financial matters. Either they feel embarrassed they make so much money or they feel ashamed that they should be at some other “level” of money making or financial savvy.
Power dynamics: For better or worse, money can heavily influence power dynamics in relationships if you let it. It’s actually pretty rare for partners to earn the exact same amount of money, and when there is a discrepancy in income, it often translates into a discrepancy in power (think decision making, access to fun, flexibility, etc). If I had a dollar for the amount of times I have heard people say, “I make less money then my partner, so I try to make up for it by doing the majority of the chores” I would be retired living on a yacht by now. Making less money than your partner is not something to “make up for”. It’s a fact that you and your partner need to see as just a piece of data as you build your dream life together.
Value discrepancies: Where we invest our money tells us a lot about what we value, so when you’re fighting about money, you’re likely just having a fight about what you value. Having different values (YOLO mentality vs. wanting to retire early, etc.) isn’t a problem if you have the conflict skills to work through these differences, but it’s important to address these head on as a team.
The 2 most common strategies for managing finances:
Couples put one person in charge of the money: When one partner is the "financial guru” this tends to exacerbate the power dynamics. It leaves the uninformed partner functioning more like a dependent teenager, which is both inflammatory and disempowering. It also puts a lot of pressure on the guru to not screw it up, and that person usually feels very lonely in that position, wishing they had a partner to help manage this really important aspect of their family. Lastly, this “guru” dynamic is a safety issue. What happens if the guru gets hit by a bus? Or becomes an asshole to their partner? If the uninformed partner wants to leave the relationship, will they be able to?
Each partner operates independently, functioning more like roommates than partners in life. When partners run their finances like roommates, I am often curious why? Is it to avoid conflict? Avoid feeling vulnerable? Usually money combined gives you more buying/investing power, which makes me wonder if it’s a couple's true preference or simply a way to avoid dealing with conflict? Most couples have different incomes, so in this set up they usually end up having a discrepancy in “fun money”, access, freedoms, etc which leads to some massive resentments. Functioning like roommates can make sense if there are large Trusts or inheritances involved, if you’re not married or have signifiant concerns about the future of the relationshipt even this requires significant strategy to ensure however the couple is managing their finances leaves each partner feeling equality valued in their relationship.
The Benefits of Tackling Finances as a Team
I strongly recommend that you tackle finances as a team, decoupling who brings in the bacon from who gets to have more influence. Both partners need a seat at the financial management table, and to see the combined income as a tool that accomplishes the following:
1. Helps you experience the things in life that you value - Dreams only come true with a plan and unless you're working as a team, it’s gonna be a long and lonely road.
2. Fosters intimacy as you dream together.
4. Protects the relationship from financial resentments.
3. Experience pride in your partnership that you can address challenges and create a healthy financial system together.
It is true that when you work as a team about finances, there is some initial conflict that you’ll deal with to set up a healthy financial system for your family. This can include facing discrepancies in what kind of experiences you want to have, how you want to invest your money, touching on personal hang ups around money, addressing (and correcting) imbalances in the relationship, etc. However, it will save you much grief in the long run if you approach it as mutually informed and involved teammates.
I’ve create a user friendly guide to help couples start talking about their finances. You can download it here.
Once you’ve started, you and your partner can work on building a system together that fuels the life you want.
When you work as a team about finances, you’re really building a stronger, more intimate relationship.