Infidelity Lives in the Silence

Recently, the New York Times published an Op-Ed piece entitled Infidelity Lurks in Your Genes which describes how the variations in people’s genetic make-up influence how inclined individuals are towards monogamy and infidelity. The social scientist in me was immediately fascinated by the article. How amazing that we live in a time where we can discover so much about the human body! However, as a couples therapist, I reached the end of the article wondering how couples would utilize the information. Would they use the information to pathologize their partners? Would they use it to justify their choices? Would they feel powerless to create the lives they desire due to their genetics?

Some of us may have a genetic predisposition to go outside our committed relationships, as the research suggests. However, what does this mean for the folks who love their partners and their families, and want to remain faithful to these relationships but may have genes that gear them towards infidelity? Are they doomed to wander outside their relationship? If the research is valid, is there any hope for them to stay committed?

It's time we break the silence on how attraction works in long-term committed relationships and how we can deal with it in a way that protects and strengthens relationships.

The hard truth

Never being attracted to another person other than your spouse does not make you a wonderful partner or a holy person, it just means you are dead. Six-feet under. And since you're reading this, you're still very much alive. There will be times when you will feel an attraction to someone other than your partner. And your partner will feel this way as well. It's sad, it's scary, and it's disappointing. However, it is also a normal part of any committed adult relationship that needs to be accepted and handled in a mature manner.

Pat Love, a Marriage and Family Therapist, writes about the biological aspect of attraction. In her book, The Truth about Love, she writes, "There is a segment of DNA called the human lymphocyte antigen (HLA), which functions as the immune system's disease detector. An individual's HLA codes for a limited number of diseases and passes on this ability to potential offspring through DNA. However, if this individual mates with a person with a different HLA code, then their offspring will have immunity to far more diseases. This discovery revealed the great evolutionary advantage of mating between a man and women with dissimilar DNA codes. Consequently, when you come into contact with a suitable DNA match, you will feel an attraction, or what we call chemistry."

Basically, we are wired to feel “chemistry” with more than one person because our bodies are designed to draw us closer to others with whom any potential children could have the most immunities. This biological process explains why couples can be head over heels for one another, and still find themselves attracted to another person. Moreover, if the compatible DNA match is also charming, it can leave folks utterly confused about what they are experiencing.  

If the predisposition for infidelity lurks in our genes, then the manifestation of infidelity lives in the silence.

We have no control over our biology or the relationships that have been modeled for us. But we are in control of how we care for our relationships and how we address these issues when they arise. Below are three very important things you need to do if you want to be the one in control of the fidelity of your relationship:

1. Start talking about attraction to people other than your partner as a normal, albeit very inconvenient, aspect of any monogamous relationship. Share this article with your partner and tell them that you want to tackle every issue as a team, which is why you want to start this conversation.
    
2. Start talking with your partner about how you'd like to deal with this when it comes up. Begin strategizing and problem-solving together, as people on the same team working towards the same goal: protecting and caring for your relationship. I would not recommend telling one another every time you see a good-looking person. You would find yourself talking about little else. However, it is wise to agree on how and when you want to confide in one another, and what boundaries you want to establish. I would recommend confiding in your partner if you'll continue to be around the person by necessity, or if that person does not seem to respect the boundaries of your commitment. Or if you simply feel scared. Few things will spook someone like being in love with their partner, and then suddenly feeling captivated by a handsome stranger.
   
   If you are thinking "How in the world would I ever tell my partner I am feeling an attraction to another person? They would be crushed!" It's true. It's going to hurt like hell and take a lot of guts on your part. However, this kind of pain is far less than the pain inflicted on a relationship following an affair. This pain leads to growth, intimacy, and a solid trust in your partner that regardless of how they feel, they are committed to protecting the relationship and being honest even when it is hard.
    
3. Accept that regardless of your genetic predisposition or your personal history, your choices concerning fidelity are always your own. Many people have bought into the lie that simply because we feel an attraction to someone, that we must act on it. The space between feelings and choice seems almost non-existent. Long-term monogamous relationships require us to start believing that even when we do feel an attraction to someone other than our partner, we still have the capacity to choose how we want to respond.

As a couples therapist, infidelity is the catalyst for around half of the couples who end up in my office. Many of them found themselves experiencing an attraction to someone else, and believed they had to remain silent about it for fear of hurting their partner. Silence is the context that gives life to infidelity. There are many things in life we have no control over. This is not one of them. Take a deep breath, start talking, and take charge of your commitment to your partner.

Dealing with Conflict and Getting Intimate with your Partner

Recently, I’ve been teaching a class about the transition to marriage, and one of the things we discussed was some best practices for dealing with conflict. Every couple in the class could identify with the frustration that comes with feeling as if you’re fighting in circles with your partner, and not making any progress. Before you know it, defensiveness and criticism have crept into the conflict, and you have barely touched the issue that needs to be discussed and hopefully resolved. 

The question is not how to get rid of the conflict in our relationships, but how do we engage in conflict in a healthy way that leads to increased intimacy and admiration between partners? Some people may wonder if this is even possible. 

The answer is yes. But we need to understand what’s really going on during our conflicts if we are going to engage in conflict in a way that builds up our relationships, instead of tearing them down. 

Understanding Conflict

This experience of going in circles often stems from what is called a “pursuer-distancer dynamic” in relationships.  We tend to see this most strongly in intimate partner relationships, but it can occur in any relationship. The process goes like this: 

When there is tension about an issue or concern about the relationship - everyone’s anxiety naturally goes up. People attempt to manage their anxiety by either pursuing or distancing. 

• Pursuing: The partner who tends to manage their anxiety by pursuing attempts to get closer to their partner, requests more time, attention, conversation and information. The last thing they want is to feel rejected by their partner. 
• Distancing: The partner who tends to manage their anxiety by distancing will get quiet, avoid talking about the issue, avoid engaging with their partner, request more alone time, or even pretend like the issue is not valid. The last thing the distancer wants is to feel overwhelmed or criticized by their partner. 

The writing on the wall is not hard to decipher. 

The very behaviors the pursuer is using to decrease their anxiety (trying to get close to their partner), inadvertently raises the anxiety of their distancer. The distancer usually responds by withdrawing as a means of decreasing their anxiety (trying to get space), which inadvertently raise the anxiety of the pursuer. And around and around they go!

It’s important to note that neither the pursuer or the distancer are solely responsible for starting or maintaining this cycle. Each person contributes to the cycle, and if either party changes their pursuing or distancing behaviors, the cycle changes. Also, in some situations or some relationships you may be more of the pursuer, and in others, more of the distancer. 

But in order to stay out of these unhelpful cycles of conflict, you'll need to find a different way to manage anxiety, be willing to tolerate a new level of anxiety, and risk being more vulnerable in your relationships. 

• For the distancer, this means resisting the urge to withdraw physically, emotionally or intellectually from the conflict. Basically, you’ve got to practice showing up in the conflict instead of running away. 
• And for the pursuers, this means resisting the urge to chase after your partner, especially if you sense them pulling away and breathe through a new and uncomfortable level of distance during a conflict. Generally speaking, the more you dig, the less you get. 

So where does this leave a couple? Surely, never addressing your conflict and permanently feeling anxious is not the solution. Instead, focus on reigning in your tendency to be the pursuer/distancer in order to give each partner a better chance at staying in the conflict long enough to make some progress on the issue. Adjusting your focus to “how” you address conflict is what gives you the best chance at “if” you successfully address the issue (regardless of what the issue is). Then the hard (er) part comes: Now is the time when you bravely share with your partner the thoughts, feelings and desires that seem scary or impossible to share and work towards increased understanding and resolution. True intimacy requires transcending the fears that hold us back and opening up ourselves more fully to one another.  

When discussing this topic with the newly married class, they did something both beautiful and courageous. They requested information from one another about what they could do to support their partners in their efforts to resist their urges to either pursue or withdraw. 

• The distancers shared:
  • “When you have an issue that you want to discuss with me, the more gently you bring it up or the more of a heads up I have, the easier it is to resist running away.”
  • “The more gratitude you share about my efforts to engage with you, the more I want to try and the more confidence I have that I can resolve an issue.”
  • “At the end of the day, remember that it’s not that I don’t want to talk to you. Ultimately, I’m just afraid of disappointing you, hurting you or that I won’t be able to solve the problem.”
• The pursuers shared:
  • “If you don’t know how to solve the problem, or if you’re not ready to discuss it, it would help me calm down if you simply acknowledged there is an issue.”
  • “Communicate your commitment to discuss it at a better time, and that you do care about resolving things with me. Otherwise, it’s easy for me to feel abandoned and scared of losing you.”
  • “The more you speak up about being dissatisfied, the more confidence I have that I don’t have to go searching for what you’re unhappy about. At the end of the day, I want to know you're forthright with me, so I have a chance to adjust my behavior when I need to.”

I hope their bravery inspires you, as it did me. I hope you can see your part in your relationship dynamics more clearly, and that you use this information to engage in conflict in a way that leads to more intimate relationships and more lasting solutions.