Is Venting Biting you in the A**?

Let me be the first to say that I love the opportunity to vent. For me, like most people, it can be a full body cathartic experience to get something off my chest. Not to mention, if the person I am sharing with is able to demonstrate active listening (eye contact, nods, ask questions), be patient and empathize with whatever my woe happens to be, it usually leaves me feeling more deeply connected to them. 

What's really happening when we vent?

When something's upsetting, it causes our own stress and anxiety to rise. Small doses of this are normal and manageable, but as it builds, we start to look for opportunities to vent. When we "get something off our chest", we are quite literally transferring our anxiety from ourselves to someone else. This is one of the great benefits of being in loving, attentive relationships. We carry the burdens and stress of one another, which helps us deal with the normal and predictable challenges of life, and helps us feel like others are "with us" in our struggles. 

Two ways venting can bite us in the a**

As stated above, venting transfers our anxiety and stress from us to others. Moreover, our anxiety goes back to a more manageable level. 

1.) Venting can bite you and me in the ass when real change is needed. The catalyst for change (often high levels of distress that feel unmanageable) essentially gets undermined because we cope so well via venting. The real danger with venting is that you can use it to cope so well, that you cope yourself into accepting the status quo. Your anxiety and distress don't have the opportunity to mount to such a level that the unknown of change is preferred to the unpleasant realities of the present. This applies across the board from to careers, to home life, to friendships to politics. 

2.) Venting can have an erosive effect on our relationships if the venting is one sided, or dominates interactions. It's not uncommon for folks to start to dread these relationships and slowly pull away, as the listener can easily feel used as "free therapy".  

What this looks like in real life.

What usually develops is what's called a Relational Triangle. Person A is upset with person B, and instead of dealing with issue X directly with person B, person A shares the frustration with person C. Creating this triangle meets the need of decreasing stress for person A, has a stabilizing effect on person A and person B's relationship, and creates a more intimate relationship between person A and person C. However, it also limits person A and person B's capacity to deal with their issues and bring about any real substantial change. 

Stress and anxiety can often be a signal that something is not right, that something needs to change. In the same way that chronic pain in the body needs to be attended to, so does emotional/relational stress. If you're chronically unhappy at work and you've been venting for some time, maybe instead of only venting, pay attention to your dissatisfaction. If it could speak, what would it say? What direct conversation needs to happen with your boss, co-worker, etc? Is there a need for systemic change in the office? Or perhaps even a job/career change? In your personal life, what do you find yourself complaining about most often? If you're not speaking directly to person B about issue X, who are you channeling that stress to? Is that coping method undermining the opportunity for your relationship to grow? 

 

tips to manage stress & anxiety Well

Without it damaging relationships or missing cues that change is needed. 

1.) Make sure the person you're sharing with has the bandwidth at that moment for you to share. Check in with them and just ask "Hi, do you mind if I vent for a few minutes?".  Respect if they are just mentally and emotionally not in a good place to carry anymore at that time. On the receiving end, if you're just not in a good spot to carry anymore, just be honest and let the person trying to share know you love them but are already feeling overwhelmed by your own stuff or the day or the kids or whatever it is. Ask if you can take care of yourself first via a shower, a walk, calling a friend, bad TV (my personal favorite), etc. and follow up with them after you've met your own needs.
 
2.) Diversify your people. Relationships get weighted down when they are characterized by one party dumping all their anxiety of the other, and it starts to feel more like therapy than friendship. Or just go find a therapist to free up your friendships. 

3.) Be mindful of how long your venting. My husband and I (under normal circumstances and as long as we've got the bandwidth) offer one another an empathetic audience that is time-limited so as to avoid over-burdening the relationship. 

4.) Pay attention to chronic complaints. If something in your life needs to change or be addressed, likely that issue won't go away on its own. Don't like how someone talks to you? What assignments you get at work? What falls on your shoulders at home? Just venting about things you really want changed usually doesn't create change until you address things directly with the person with whom you're having the issue. Relational triangles are sneaky, and it's easy to create them or be pulled into them by others unintentionally. 

Why Divorce Is Always An Option

When I start working with a couple, I cringe a little when I hear them say, "Divorce isn't an option for us". First off, it's usually not true. In every demographic, we know of couples that, despite expectations or personal declarations, have gone their separate ways. More importantly, assuming that divorce couldn't happen to you is counterproductive to cultivating relationships worthy of your time, life, and love.

Commitment is not synonymous with enduring suffering or sticking to a relationship at all costs. Instead, it's conscious choices made every day, in large and small ways. Taking care of yourself, investing in personal and collective goals, learning how to speak the other's love language, being willing to express vulnerability and have difficult conversations in hopes of finding a path to the other side. It's taking time for introspection, dealing with your baggage, and working towards self-acceptance. It's working to create space for your partner to be their most authentic self, even when it brings discomfort and activates your sensitivities. It's making time to have fun together! I could go on, but you get the gist.

If you're convinced divorce wouldn't happen to you, it's easy to become complacent and not put in the work required to thrive. Simply put, when divorce isn't an option, people get lazy in their relationships.

It's far more advantageous to know that, in reality, any marriage can end. And if that's not what you want, invest in the work of commitment. This approach is far more likely to cultivate a relationship that both partners have a deep and enduring desire to maintain.

The argument I often hear against this approach is that acknowledging a marriage could end creates too much anxiety and insecurity for one or both partners. The fear of heartbreak and loss is overwhelming, and they worry it will undermine attempts to improve their relationship. And this makes sense too. I know that I'd be beyond devastated if my marriage ended. I understand the desire to protect oneself from such incredible loss.

But embracing this risk, and opening ourselves up to loss is the deal we sign up for when we create a life with someone. And any relationship worth being a part of is gonna hurt like hell if it ends. Even still, I'm convinced that deep love and commitment are worth the risk.

So although it can be incredibly uncomfortable to acknowledge that a divorce is always an option, I encourage you to let it be the fuel that drives your commitment. Breathe through the anxiety and allow your desire for your partner to give life to a beautiful partnership.

The Conversation to Avoid After an Affair

The disclosure of an affair usually turns people’s worlds upside down for a time. You’re in a situation you hoped you would never be in. You’re in a situation you’d give anything to get out of. Whether you’re the one who participated in the affair or the one who just found out, catching your breath and figuring out how and in what way to move forward is going to take some time.

Needless to say, you’ve got a lot of hard conversations in your future. However, there is one conversation I hope you don’t have in the immediate aftermath of discovering an affair.

Don’t decide if you’re going to end the relationship.

It will certainly come up. But avoid the hell out of making an actual decision about this. You likely don’t have enough information to truly understand what happened, what it meant to everyone, what it means now, or how this was even possible. You are likely so disoriented by discovering the affair or being discovered that you are having trouble making good decisions for your life long term. The time following the disclosure of an affair is usually terrible. But it’s terrible whether you decide to leave or you decide to stay. You need to have time to gather information, process your own experience and reflect on what rebuilding the relationship would require of each person before you can make a thoughtful decision that usually has far-reaching implications. The pain from going through this will make you want to call it quits to avoid the pain, but unfortunately, there is no real avoiding the pain from this. Moving through it thoughtfully, healing and making sure you don’t make decisions you regret is the best case scenario for this awful situation. You may decide to end the relationship, but now is not the time for that decision.

But here is what you can and need to do:

• Each partner needs at least one person in their personal life that they can tell. If possible, I recommend communicating to one another who these people are so both partners are in the loop.

• Slow down and make sure the basics of your life are managed. Caring for kids, eating, sleeping, making sure everyone is safe. Lean on the people you’ve shared this information with to help with these tasks if you aren’t able to manage them on your own.

• If you have kids, do not tell them. If you can barely deal with this, they sure as hell can’t.

• Seek out professional help. It’s really easy to make this bad situation worse by trying to address it on your own. Get recommendations or do some homework to find someone that can help.

Whether you ultimately end the relationship or work to rebuild, remind yourself you will get through this, one way or another. There is life and happiness on the other side of this. You just have to get there.

How Therapists Fight in Real Life

Being a therapist is weird sometimes. I spend my working life meeting with folks, hearing their stories, helping them hear and understand one another better, and cultivating with them relationships that are worth being a part of. And then I come home where I have to navigate my own world and relationships, with a self-imposed expectation that I'm going to get it right the majority of the time. Well, I don't. And I'd wager to say most therapists don't practice what we preach often enough simply because relationships are hard work. However, I recently had an experience with my husband that's worth sharing. 

We've been having the same fight about the same topic for about a year and a half now. Since our daughter was born, we've been struggling to figure out how to redistribute the plethora of newfound responsibilities and at the end of the day feel loved, supported, and equally valued by one another. Basically, we are like every other new parent. A friend recently asked, "Do you always know how to deal with conflict with your husband?" The truth is, often I do. And often I can't muster the resolve or energy to actually do it. It's as if I'm driving a speeding car, knowing I'm going to crash, knowing how bad the crash is going to be, knowing how long it's going to take to recover because I specialize in crash safety, but hitting the gas as the same. "You know it's going to be bad if you keep this up" is the voice I'll hear in my head. "You know if you'd do all the stuff you help couples do in therapy that you'd have a different outcome". 

The fight we recently had lasted from about 11:30am until around 3:00pm. We started off like we usually do. Trying to get our points across, frustrated that we are still having this fight, frustrated that the other doesn't seem to understand what we're saying. We went on like this for about 30 minutes. Then went to separate rooms. We tried again about 15 minutes later. Same thing. And again about an hour later. Same f*cking Thing. My husband is usually very composed, and quite funny. And even in a conflict, he is usually very thoughtful and articulate, sans the humor. I went into the room he was in for the fourth time. Usually, this process ends after the second or third round of fighting with us just deciding we need to go see our therapist. However, the fourth time was why this fight ended differently. I went in and told him that no matter what, I didn't want to be unkind. Something I've said before but usually with the caveat that I really want him to understand my hurt and how I go from hurt to angry, and from angry to sharp. It's true. I don't ever want to be unkind, and yet sometimes I am. 

Here's what happened on the fourth try. I decided to just listen. We weren't getting anywhere with this back and forth. He talked for a while, some sharing how my words impact him and impact his feelings towards me, some processing his own feelings about things separate from me. As he talked, I could sense waves of empathy towards him. I would listen for a few more minutes, and then begin to feel my body get warm all over with impatience and defensiveness. Everything in me wanted to blurt out "BUT WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS?!”, “DO YOU NOT SEE HOW YOU CONTRIBUTE TO THIS?!” I would breathe, and then begin to feel empathy again. And then impatience again, and frustration again. 

I needed to get it. And even more importantly, he needed to feel like I really got what he's experiencing. So I listened. I breathed deeply, I looked him in the eyes and tried to imagine what he was experiencing and forced myself to temporarily set aside my deep desire for him to understand my side. He shared for a while, who knows how long it really was, but it felt like a long while. Several times I was hoping he was almost done when he wasn't. But I stayed focused on him, listening and empathizing as much as I could, noticing my frustration and defensiveness but not acting on it. All while noticing his sadness and really trying to attend to it.

What I know about relationships is that we would continue to spin our wheels and grow apart if my singular focus was only on him understanding me. Truthfully, I didn't want to just listen and remain silent while he had the floor. The benefit of being a couples therapist and having knowledge about healthy relationship functioning is in the same way I know when I'm royally screwing things up, I know that even when I'm not feeling empathetic, putting in the relational work of simply listening is more likely to help us make progress. That day, my work in this relationship was to just listen. To push through the frustration, impatience, and momentary indignation and just let him share and try to understand his experience in this relationship. There was nothing else I could do in those moments. He was hurting, and hurt people require empathy and attention and space to share if they're going to start healing. 

And voilà! Everything is better now and we will never fight again... ha, no. 

As lovely as that would be, we're still on our journey of sorting through this particular argument. There's more understanding than there once was, and although we have definitely not mastered how to be partners/lovers and parents, we know each other more deeply and we are figuring out how to make this work a little better for both of us. I knew in my gut that this experience is what progress feels like. Not only did I do the steps to make my husband feel understood, I experienced the happy by-product of actually understanding him and his experience better. And perhaps this deeper understanding of one another is the real end goal of all relational work. We'll have to take turns offering one another this gift of listening without being fully understood countless more times about this fight, and many others. But on this day, we made progress. It was extremely unpleasant for me in the moment but produced the happy outcome of helping us along our journey together. 

I hope this story of our small victory in a smattering of face-plants helps reenergize you to do the essential and often unpleasant relational work that all loving relationships require. I also hope it normalizes what that work can feel like at times, and how many rounds you sometimes have to go with your partner to work through conflict. 

Forgiveness Defined

"Forgiveness is the process by which love and trust are reestablished in relationships. Forgiveness doesn't consist of simple platitudes or superficial statements that are expected to make the past go away. It is not forgetting about serious damage or letting someone off who caused hurt without taking responsibility. It is not about subjecting yourself to an untrustworthy or unloving person who will just hurt you all over again. What forgiveness is about is the coming together of at least two people, after there has been severe damage or hurt in their relationship, to rewrite the story of love and trust in a responsible way that will make their relationship and families stronger and healthier."

Forgiving the Devil, by Terry Hargrave

Making Life More Balanced for Both Partners

And Helping Couples Feel The Love Between Them Again. 

On my way home from the office this week, I found myself listening to our local NPR station and was captivated by the conversation they were having. This particular hour was dedicated to Think with Krys Boyd, where they were discussing the different experiences men and women have regarding childcare responsibilities, inequities of distribution of labor, how these dynamics impact the quality of the couple's relationship and how children learn about the value of men and women in our society. I encourage everyone to listen to the entire interview. 

You can listen by clicking on the link below. 

How Parents Teach Kids to Disrespect Women

As I listened to this podcast on my drive home, I realized 2 of the 4 couples that I had seen that day were working to address this very issue. They were working hard to understand one another's experience, care for ways they had unknowingly hurt one another's feelings, and figure out how to make their relationship work and stay connected given all they had on their plates. Feeling like life and responsibilities aren't evenly distributed is one of the main catalysts for tension in a relationship and a fierce culprit in eroding feelings of love and affection between even the most passionate partners. I like this interview because it put into words the experiences of these couples and highlighted some of the barriers to creating change. What I didn't like was that the segment did not provide a lot of solutions or hope for change if you're not satisfied with the current division of labor in your relationship. Below are some tips to start making adjustments in your relationship that will lead to you and your partner feeling more understood, more loved and to make sure we provide our children a blueprint of family life that will make their adult relationships a little easier. 

1.) Listen to the podcast by clicking here. Seriously, do it. And I would put money on it that you'll have some emotional reaction to it, either feeling validated or defensive or confused or maybe even a little mad. Whatever you're experiencing, send the link to your partner and then ask to talk about it. Even just asking them, "What parts resonated with you? Where do you feel we do this well? Where can we make some adjustments?" 

2.) While sharing with one another your individual experiences, practice expressing compassion for one another's experience. Gender issues are hard for women as well as men in different ways, and usually each person feels more constrained then their partner understands. 

3.) Think for yourself. The explanation of "this is what I saw growing up" just isn't good enough. It makes sense this a default, but it's very common to marry someone who grew up in a different family dynamic or someone who wants something different. You're going to need to be creative and flexible and work together to figure out how each person in the family will feel loved and valued. It doesn't matter whether you choose a more traditional model of family (one parent works outside the home/other parent works inside the home) or a more modern/egalitarian model of family (both parents work outside the home/both help with childcare and household responsibilities). What really matters is that you've discussed this and make a conscious decision that aligns with your desires and your values. 

4.) If you can afford it, outsource. Outsourcing certain responsibilities of cleaning/childcare/lawn-care/etc. can be hard on the pocketbook, but if you can financially manage it, it can be a small part of creating a greater sense of equity, freedom and respect between partners.  You may also consider exploring a barter system with others who are likely in a similar situation as you and could use the mutual support.

5.) Make the implicit explicit. So much of family dynamics is unspoken. You feel it, you know it, but no one really says it. From who is responsible for deciding on Christmas presents, to coordinating family outings, to lunches to grocery runs, it's easy to just get in a groove about the distribution of labor, and never talk about it. So again, start talking explicitly about this and be open to switching things up. In long-term healthy relationships, this is an ongoing conversation where you continue to course correct. Be gracious with one another, be kind and be clear about what adjustments you want. If you know there are specific things you want, you have a responsibility to speak up and give your partner the opportunity to grow with you. 

Creating increased equity between partners, being flexible with one another and growing together in creating a family life that works for all is the work of falling in love again and staying in love. 

What's Normal in Relationships?

I hear this question a lot. Folks going about their lives and sometimes unsure if what they are doing or experiencing is normal. This is a really tricky question. And frankly, I think it's the wrong question to be asking. There is a lot that is "normal" that's terrible. Social media is explicitly demonstrating that sexual harassment is normal, with the bravery of women and men posting "me too" and sharing their stories. This is a glaring and horrific example of something that's "normal" yet utterly shameful. 

If the goal is creating and maintaining healthy relationships, I propose there are two questions that are significantly more useful. 

1.) What's normal for you?
2.) What do you want/need to be your new normal?

What's normal for you?

The single most powerful force that shapes our perspective of what's "normal" is our experiences growing up. The way we see our families handle conflict, stress, disappointment, friendships, love, work, emotions etc. provide a blueprint for us as we grow up and engage in similar experiences. This blueprint for normal is often a mixed bag. Most of us are given some norms that help us navigate our lives well, along with some other norms that are significantly less useful and even problematic. 

In 2005, David Foster Wallace gave a commencement speech that garnered a good bit of attention. He starts the speech with the story below:

"There are these two young fish swimming along, and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way. He nods at them and says, 'Morning boys, how's the water?' The two young fish swim on for a bit, and eventually one looks over at the other and goes 'What the hell is water'

This is often how our individual and family norms function. They're so familiar to us, that we often have a hard time even noticing them until they begin to give us trouble. 

When you need a new normal.

Needing a new normal usually comes from one of the following:
 1.) Internal conflict: your values aren't aligning with your norms anymore. One example I hear often is when people grow up in a  patriarchal household, yet their values regarding gender no longer align with that model of family life. 
2.) Conflict in your relationships due to your norms clashing. Our expectations come from what we believe is the norm. When your expectations don't align, you're likely to end up in conflicts that can leave you in a power struggle. This can come in many forms, such as how responsibilities are divided, how you approach disagreements, what is acceptable behavior, how much involvement is expected from extended family, what each of you believes affection looks like, etc. A willingness to co-creating a new normal for your relationship is often required if the relationship is going to continue without resentment or dissolution. 

Creating and Maintaining healthy relationships that work for everyone requires knowing what your norms and expectations are, and practicing flexibility. Whatever the reason you have for wanting or sometimes needing a new normal, keep in mind the following

• You have a fundamental right to create or co-create new norms in your life.
• Your current norms or the norms you grew up with do not have to be the norms you carry forward.
• You have the right to enjoy your life.
• Like all change, the process is usually uncomfortable. 

Ideas for creating new norms that enrich your life and might even save your relationships. 

Keep in mind that the list below is by no means comprehensive. Use these as a starting point to start brainstorming what kind of new norms you'd like to integrate into your life. 

• What do you want the norm to be regarding how you express appreciation and feel appreciated?
• What kind of norm would you like to have regarding how your family deals with conflict? Do you need to make a conscious effort to address conflict early to avoid explosive arguments becoming the norm? Perhaps integrating weekly or bi-weekly family meetings to address challenges from the week or encourage people to share their concerns who usually shy away from conflict?
• Is there a need for improvement in the way you show respect in your family? How might you demonstrate this to your loved ones?
• Would you like to adjust the norm regarding how much time is spent with your immediate family? Your extended family?
• What kind of norms do you want to establish regards meals together? Play? Pleasure? Time with friends? Kinds of activities that you participate in? Amount of activities? Technology in the home? Holidays traditions?
• What norm would you like to establish regarding the sharing of emotions (guys too)? dance parties in the living room? storytelling? playing pranks (the good-hearted kind)? Sharing household responsibilities?

Why Self-Care is so Damn Hard

And what we can do about it. 

Self-care is generally accepted as a healthy part of life. However, implementing self-care into the day to day can feel almost impossible at times. It can very easily not make the cut when there are so many competing needs between work, kids, family obligations, healthcare needs, etc. 

Let's clarify what self-care really is. It's not being selfish. It's not about pampering yourself (although this can be a way people choose to enact self-care). It's about participating in activities that nourish and energize us physically and emotionally, elevating our mood and decreasing our stress.

CONTRIBUTING FACTORS THAT MAKE SELF-CARE HARD. 

Below are some of the most common reasons we forgo self-care activities. Perhaps they'll sounds familiar. 

• Catastrophizing. Catastrophizing is an irrational thought a lot of us have in believing that something is far worse than it actually is. This can make almost anything more urgent than it is, and much more urgent than the need to care for ourselves.

• Undervaluing the power of modeling. We often run ourselves ragged trying to make sure the people in our lives are healthy and happy, and we often aren't very happy or healthy in the process. You're kids and the people that look up to you learn mostly from what they see you doing, and very little from what you're saying. They need to see that you're finite, that you value yourself and that you take steps to care for yourself. 

• Not viewing self-care as an investment. It's very easy to see self-care activities as taking time away from what really needs to be done. We need to start viewing self-care as an investment in ourselves, so we've got the energy our responsibilities require. 
• Structural constraints. Zoom out on your life and try to see your family as a whole system that work's together. Each person's actions impact others in the family and cause them to make adjustments accordingly. Are there some structural constraints regarding the distribution of responsibilities that are impacting everyone's capacity to integrate self-care? Does it seem like everyone has a license to request time to do what will energize them? If not, start brainstorming with your family about how to get everyone's needs met. 
• Public Policies. I've yet to meet a parent or caregiver that wouldn't have benefited tremendously from increased support from public policies that impact families. The results are in, and the U.S. is amazingly far behind on systemically supporting families from a policy perspective. Families are strained and the stress isn't good for the physical or psychological health of the adults or children. Regardless of what side of the aisle you fall, we can agree there is significant room for improvement. 

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DON'T PRACTICE SELF-CARE

When we don't implement self-care with any regularity, it wears down our capacity to connect with others and the overall quality of our lives and relationships. Our "gas tank" of emotional and physical energy begins to empty and bitterness and resentment can easily become all you're running on. You're no longer able to offer the patience, empathy, and kindness that relationships require, and you're emotional, relationship and physical health will deteriorate. 

MAKING SELF-CARE A REGULAR PART OF LIFE. 

When you fly on an airplane, the flight attendant will tell you "If the oxygen masks come down, put yours on first before putting it on your child". Since having a child, one part of my brain thinks this is absurd. How the hell would I ever be calm enough in a moment of mid-air turbulence to do this? But the more logical part of my brain realizes that my child will need me to be available and responsive to them, especially in times of turmoil. 

We need to buy in, or at least experiment with, self-care until you're sold. Buying into self-care is essentially agreeing to work smarter, not harder. Cutting out even small amounts of time for yourself needs to be seen as an investment rather than something that takes away from the rest of your obligations. 

One question I often ask folks is "If you really believed the well-being of your family, child, business, marriage, etc depended on you making space for yourself and implementing self-care, what would you do?" Because it actually does. Healthy people make for healthy relationships, and healthy relationships are the context where healthy kids develop into healthy adults.

If making time for self-care feels like an impossible task, recruit others to problem solve about how this can become an even slightly bigger part of your life. If it feels like a foreign concept, try experimenting with one self-care activity this week, and just see how you feel. 

Commons self-care activities can include but are not limited to:

• exercise/sports/yoga
• going for a walk
• getting out in nature
• reading for fun
• journalling
• getting together with friends
• watching TV shows you enjoy
• pampering yourself
• creative hobbies

I'd love to hear about ways you integrate self-care into your day-to-day, so please share in the comments. 

Feeling Disconnected from your Partner? Try this.

Folks often come to couples therapy because they're feeling disconnected. They've tried hard. They're exhausted and hopelessness is starting to seep inside. The spark and intimacy in their relationship are fading and they're unsure if it can be restored.

What happened to our Relationship? 

A tale of two boats. A common story.

When relationships first start, it's like two separate boats coming side by side, admiring the other, feeling excited to be around the other and dreaming of the adventures ahead of them as they cruise around this life together. The opportunities usually feel endless, and the pull towards the other's boat can feel magnetic. There's even plenty of leaping into one another's boats and allowing the rest of the world to fade away. Who wouldn't want this to last forever? So often we try. However, before we realize it, we are cruising around our lives in one boat. It starts out feeling nice and cozy. However, as time marches on, this boat you're sharing can begin to feel crowded and stifling, with occasional fantasies about jumping ship. And soon enough you're waist deep in fights about who is driving the boat, where the boat gets to go, what's allowed on the boat, etc.

There is more conflict than desire for one another, as there isn't much "other" left. When faced with this experience, the most common tactic folks use to try to remedy this is to spend more time together. However, as counter-intuitive as it may seem, rebuilding connection looks like re-establishing individual boats to allow for increased space between one another.

Intentionally creating this increased space between one another, as scary as it may feel, gives you a chance to see the other and be drawn back towards one another. 

And yes, this can equate to less time together but also a decrease in conflict and opportunity for deeper connection.

5 ways to rebuild your relationship by rebuilding your own boat. 

• Get to know yourself again. Do you want to resume an old hobby? Pick up a new one? Engage in a creative venture that you've felt you just couldn't fit into your life? If there is something you've been forgoing because your partner doesn't want to participate, revisit this topic with them and discuss how you can create space in your relationship for you to enjoy this activity.
• Develop some independent friendships. Mutual friends are great but work towards investing a little more time into relationships that don't revolve around your relationship with your partner.
• Be honest about your preferences. If you don't like certain activities, certain movies, speak up about them and allow your partner the opportunity to engage in these activities independently or with others that enjoy these more.
• Give yourself license to fall on your face. Balancing your own boat while staying connected to your partner is a relationship long balancing act. At times, you'll feel like you're in a groove and other times you'll realize your boat sank or you aren't even quite sure where your partner's boat is. The important thing is that you realize where you're at, and work towards correcting course.
• Communicate with your partner what you're up to.  It can be very alarming for your partner if you suddenly jump out of the boat you've been cruising in together. "You're abandoning me!" they'll exclaim. It's completely logical and your partner is not crazy for worrying about this. That is exactly what it might feel like to them. Communicate calmly and provide reassurance to them. Change is uncomfortable, even if it's good for relationships. So just talk to them about how you're working on strengthening the relationship by rediscovering parts of yourself you let fall to the wayside during the course of the relationship.

How to avoid screwing this up.

Whatever you do, do not send this article to your partner and declare that you are no longer required to do anything with them that doesn't appeal to you. That's not what this is saying. All relationships require flexibility with one another and participating in activities that you don't prefer. This is about looking at your relationship and figuring out where you fall on the "separateness and togetherness" spectrum. Each of you was drawn to who one another was, so provide one another the opportunity to be fully yourselves in this relationship. And as you rediscover your individual sense of self apart from your relationships, you'll be on your way to reconnecting with those you love in deeper and more sustaining ways.

"Marriage as the badass, brave way to go forth"

Laughed and felt inspired watching this interview with Lake Bell, talking about not only her film, but how her perspective on marriage has evolved. "Coming from a person who did not believe in the institution, I actually see it (marriage) as the badass, brave way to go forth"

Theodore

For the moments when we're feeling timid or afraid:

"It is not the critic who counts;
not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;
who strives valiantly;
who errs and comes short again and again;
who knows great enthusiasms,
the great devotions;
who spends himself in a worthy cause;
who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,
and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly
so that his place shall never be with those timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

- Theodore Roosevelt

Don't Wait To Get The Help You Need

As you're scrolling through your favorite social media today, take a deep breath and pause. Pause for your loved ones. Pause for your own well-being. Pause for people who are strangers to you today, but may need your kindness as you interact with them. 

Many of us (myself included) tune out what's going on in our lives by tuning into social media. But it's important that we are in tune with the satisfying and the challenging aspects of our lives. So pause and think on these questions: What are you experiencing that you don't know how to address? Are you experiencing an increase in anxiety and not sure why or what you can do about it? Are you feeling depressed and silently carrying it around by yourself? How is what you're experiencing impacting your relationship and how are your relationships impacting what you're experiencing? 

Take a deep breath, and challenge yourself to notice what you may be (understandably) attempting to tune out. As a therapist, I have the privilege of helping people address the challenges in their lives. And more often than not, people struggle alone for weeks, months or years before reaching out for professional help. 

If I could offer one piece of advice today, it would be this: Don't wait to get the help you need. The sooner you address issues, the easier it is to resolve them and start heading in the direction you want to go in your life and relationships. Marriage and Family Therapists are available all over the country and are trained to help people with a variety of concerns such as anxiety, depression, relationships, conflict, intimacy, life transitions and much more. Marriage and Family Therapists are trained in systemic, or relational, therapy and believe that throughout life we exist in a number of relationships that directly and indirectly impact our well-being. Our relationships with family, friends, co-workers and neighbors influence and create our individual experience. Watch the video below about how Marriage and Family Therapists can help you navigate your journey.

How to Love your Partner Better

How do relationships get better over time? When people are so different from each other, is this even possible? If it is, what’s the secret?

Thankfully, the answer is YES! Relationships can become better and more satisfying as time goes on. Even though the infatuation stage of a relationship will fade, and you can get back to your regular habits of sleeping and eating and whatever else you did prior to beginning the relationship, the relationship can improve. But the question is how? How do we make things better, particularly if things are starting to go south?

One of the best ways to improve relationships is to get good at giving and receiving feedback from one another. The positive feedback and the not so positive feedback. 

Learning to love one another is a collaborative process. No one knows how to love another person in the ways that are most meaningful to them except for that other person. And since you and your partner are not mind-readers, it's essential to figure out how to offer up feedback and receive feedback, so you can cultivate a relationship that works for both of you. Sounds easy, yeah? So why do so many of our interactions go south when we request that our partners adjust how they treat us, love us or touch us?

Here's where this usually goes wrong: Negative feedback is experienced in one of two ways. It’s either experienced as a Criticism or as a Critique. Neither of which usually feels great, but criticism is significantly damaging to a relationship, and critiques are essential for the relationship to grow. 

Here’s the difference: 

Criticism is stating your concern as an attack on a person’s character or a defect in their personality. 

• You are always talking about yourself. You are such a narcissist!
• You never want to spend time with me. I guess I love you more than you love me. 
• You never consider my feelings/needs! You're so selfish!
• You always make me be the bad guy/gal with the kids. 

Offering a critique is honest feedback about something you’d like changed or addressed. It’s a critique of an action, not a person’s whole character. 

• I want more time together because I want to feel close again/work on our relationship, but I haven't felt prioritized by you lately.
• It’s upsetting to me when you leave all the disciplining to me. Can you start sharing this responsibility with me so I can be the good guy/gal sometimes?
• I need you to work towards being more thoughtful of me/my time/my feelings because when you do _________, it feels like you're not thinking about how it affects me.

If you want your relationship to change for the better and get your concerns addressed, it's vital you communicate your feedback as a critique. Your partner will not be able to hear your request for change if it comes out as criticism, AND it will make the relationship worse. 

Dr. John Gottman, a research scientist who has researched marital stability and divorce prediction for the last 40 years, identifies criticism as one of four of the most corrosive behavior patterns in a relationship. He actually calls these behaviors the "Four Horseman of the Apocalypse!" No confusion there! 

When you're on the receiving end of a critique, listen to the behavior that your loved one is requesting you change. And challenge yourself to not generalize their critique as "I'm a failure" or "I'll never be enough". Offering critiques and being able to hear them is essential for creating a long-term loving relationship that works for both people. 

Good relationships that get better over time are those that can acknowledge they don't know everything about how to love their partner well. They are open to critiques, willing to share critiques so their partner isn't in the dark and eager to learn what kind of actions leave their partner feeling loved and understood. This is why as marvelous as infatuation can feel, long-term loving and collaborative relationships win out every time. 

 The truth is, we all have room to grow in learning to love the people in our lives. In offering one another good critiques that are coated with a layer of "I love you, and you're a good partner, but I need you to hear me", we can learn how to love better. 

The Benefits of Listening to our Discomfort

Like you, I have an affinity for feeling happy. I am certainly better company when I am feeling happy, as I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve despite my best efforts.

Also like you, I have my preferred methods of dealing with unpleasant emotions that attempt to usurp my positive attitude. Many of us were trained from a young age that when we feel uncomfortable emotions, we should try to get back to feeling happy by avoiding these feelings, burying them, or simply pretending they are not there. You know, put on a happy face. 

Our aversion to uncomfortable emotions is as normal and understandable as having a dislike for a backache. No one hopes to have more "achy back" in their life.  However, when our muscles ache, our body is telling us something is going on and we need to listen and attend to our bodies. We may need to give our bodies a rest, make changes to our lifestyle or go see a physician. When we experience physical pain, our bodies are providing us with information about the state of our body so we can address issues and stay healthy. When emotional aches try to come into awareness, it can be difficult to treat this as information simply because we usually aren't very good at making room and listening to uncomfortable emotions.

Our tendency to avoid negative emotions leaves us profoundly disconnected from what is happening in our lives and relationships. 

I propose that we start treating our emotions as conduits of information. We will always have a preference for feeling happy over feeling an uncomfortable emotion such as sadness, fear, anxiety, jealousy and the like. However, these have a vital role to play in our lives. When we feel some uncomfortable emotion, it is information that needs to be given attention and an appropriate response.

Here's where we can start:

• Take a deep breathe and get curious about your emotions. Start paying attention to when you feel upset, or when you start to (sometimes automatically) utilize your preferred method of dealing with uncomfortable emotions. (Side note: Coping skills are great, and we all need them! However, if we are not accustomed to listening to our uncomfortable emotions, we may miss the information they are trying to communicate to us.)
• Give extra attention to emotions that are recurring or chronic. Whether you are feeling discontent in your profession, sad about an interaction, or angry about a perceived inequality. Take the time to think through what's contributing to your emotional reaction, and how you can thoughtful respond or begin making changes. 
• When someone else comes to you upset, resist the urge to try to fix their problem or make them happy again. At least at first. We are usually as uncomfortable with other people's negative emotions as we are with our own.  When someone we care for is sad or disappointed, it is our natural response to want to make those feelings disappear. However, focus on hearing them out and validating their distress. You can say something as simple as "Wow, I can see how hard/upsetting/scary/difficult this is for you." I am constantly amazed by how relieved people can feel just from feeling heard.

The appropriate responses to our discomfort will vary greatly, in the same way that our physical aches and pains require various responses. At times, we need to take actions to address issues, and other times our discomfort is simply a normal part of growth and development. So let's take a deep breath, and allow ourselves to listen to those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that linger in the outskirts of our awareness. They have information that will benefit our lives.  

Infidelity Lives in the Silence

Recently, the New York Times published an Op-Ed piece entitled Infidelity Lurks in Your Genes which describes how the variations in people’s genetic make-up influence how inclined individuals are towards monogamy and infidelity. The social scientist in me was immediately fascinated by the article. How amazing that we live in a time where we can discover so much about the human body! However, as a couples therapist, I reached the end of the article wondering how couples would utilize the information. Would they use the information to pathologize their partners? Would they use it to justify their choices? Would they feel powerless to create the lives they desire due to their genetics?

Some of us may have a genetic predisposition to go outside our committed relationships, as the research suggests. However, what does this mean for the folks who love their partners and their families, and want to remain faithful to these relationships but may have genes that gear them towards infidelity? Are they doomed to wander outside their relationship? If the research is valid, is there any hope for them to stay committed?

It's time we break the silence on how attraction works in long-term committed relationships and how we can deal with it in a way that protects and strengthens relationships.

The hard truth

Never being attracted to another person other than your spouse does not make you a wonderful partner or a holy person, it just means you are dead. Six-feet under. And since you're reading this, you're still very much alive. There will be times when you will feel an attraction to someone other than your partner. And your partner will feel this way as well. It's sad, it's scary, and it's disappointing. However, it is also a normal part of any committed adult relationship that needs to be accepted and handled in a mature manner.

Pat Love, a Marriage and Family Therapist, writes about the biological aspect of attraction. In her book, The Truth about Love, she writes, "There is a segment of DNA called the human lymphocyte antigen (HLA), which functions as the immune system's disease detector. An individual's HLA codes for a limited number of diseases and passes on this ability to potential offspring through DNA. However, if this individual mates with a person with a different HLA code, then their offspring will have immunity to far more diseases. This discovery revealed the great evolutionary advantage of mating between a man and women with dissimilar DNA codes. Consequently, when you come into contact with a suitable DNA match, you will feel an attraction, or what we call chemistry."

Basically, we are wired to feel “chemistry” with more than one person because our bodies are designed to draw us closer to others with whom any potential children could have the most immunities. This biological process explains why couples can be head over heels for one another, and still find themselves attracted to another person. Moreover, if the compatible DNA match is also charming, it can leave folks utterly confused about what they are experiencing.  

If the predisposition for infidelity lurks in our genes, then the manifestation of infidelity lives in the silence.

We have no control over our biology or the relationships that have been modeled for us. But we are in control of how we care for our relationships and how we address these issues when they arise. Below are three very important things you need to do if you want to be the one in control of the fidelity of your relationship:

1. Start talking about attraction to people other than your partner as a normal, albeit very inconvenient, aspect of any monogamous relationship. Share this article with your partner and tell them that you want to tackle every issue as a team, which is why you want to start this conversation.
    
2. Start talking with your partner about how you'd like to deal with this when it comes up. Begin strategizing and problem-solving together, as people on the same team working towards the same goal: protecting and caring for your relationship. I would not recommend telling one another every time you see a good-looking person. You would find yourself talking about little else. However, it is wise to agree on how and when you want to confide in one another, and what boundaries you want to establish. I would recommend confiding in your partner if you'll continue to be around the person by necessity, or if that person does not seem to respect the boundaries of your commitment. Or if you simply feel scared. Few things will spook someone like being in love with their partner, and then suddenly feeling captivated by a handsome stranger.
   
   If you are thinking "How in the world would I ever tell my partner I am feeling an attraction to another person? They would be crushed!" It's true. It's going to hurt like hell and take a lot of guts on your part. However, this kind of pain is far less than the pain inflicted on a relationship following an affair. This pain leads to growth, intimacy, and a solid trust in your partner that regardless of how they feel, they are committed to protecting the relationship and being honest even when it is hard.
    
3. Accept that regardless of your genetic predisposition or your personal history, your choices concerning fidelity are always your own. Many people have bought into the lie that simply because we feel an attraction to someone, that we must act on it. The space between feelings and choice seems almost non-existent. Long-term monogamous relationships require us to start believing that even when we do feel an attraction to someone other than our partner, we still have the capacity to choose how we want to respond.

As a couples therapist, infidelity is the catalyst for around half of the couples who end up in my office. Many of them found themselves experiencing an attraction to someone else, and believed they had to remain silent about it for fear of hurting their partner. Silence is the context that gives life to infidelity. There are many things in life we have no control over. This is not one of them. Take a deep breath, start talking, and take charge of your commitment to your partner.

Dealing with Conflict and Getting Intimate with your Partner

Recently, I’ve been teaching a class about the transition to marriage, and one of the things we discussed was some best practices for dealing with conflict. Every couple in the class could identify with the frustration that comes with feeling as if you’re fighting in circles with your partner, and not making any progress. Before you know it, defensiveness and criticism have crept into the conflict, and you have barely touched the issue that needs to be discussed and hopefully resolved. 

The question is not how to get rid of the conflict in our relationships, but how do we engage in conflict in a healthy way that leads to increased intimacy and admiration between partners? Some people may wonder if this is even possible. 

The answer is yes. But we need to understand what’s really going on during our conflicts if we are going to engage in conflict in a way that builds up our relationships, instead of tearing them down. 

Understanding Conflict

This experience of going in circles often stems from what is called a “pursuer-distancer dynamic” in relationships.  We tend to see this most strongly in intimate partner relationships, but it can occur in any relationship. The process goes like this: 

When there is tension about an issue or concern about the relationship - everyone’s anxiety naturally goes up. People attempt to manage their anxiety by either pursuing or distancing. 

• Pursuing: The partner who tends to manage their anxiety by pursuing attempts to get closer to their partner, requests more time, attention, conversation and information. The last thing they want is to feel rejected by their partner. 
• Distancing: The partner who tends to manage their anxiety by distancing will get quiet, avoid talking about the issue, avoid engaging with their partner, request more alone time, or even pretend like the issue is not valid. The last thing the distancer wants is to feel overwhelmed or criticized by their partner. 

The writing on the wall is not hard to decipher. 

The very behaviors the pursuer is using to decrease their anxiety (trying to get close to their partner), inadvertently raises the anxiety of their distancer. The distancer usually responds by withdrawing as a means of decreasing their anxiety (trying to get space), which inadvertently raise the anxiety of the pursuer. And around and around they go!

It’s important to note that neither the pursuer or the distancer are solely responsible for starting or maintaining this cycle. Each person contributes to the cycle, and if either party changes their pursuing or distancing behaviors, the cycle changes. Also, in some situations or some relationships you may be more of the pursuer, and in others, more of the distancer. 

But in order to stay out of these unhelpful cycles of conflict, you'll need to find a different way to manage anxiety, be willing to tolerate a new level of anxiety, and risk being more vulnerable in your relationships. 

• For the distancer, this means resisting the urge to withdraw physically, emotionally or intellectually from the conflict. Basically, you’ve got to practice showing up in the conflict instead of running away. 
• And for the pursuers, this means resisting the urge to chase after your partner, especially if you sense them pulling away and breathe through a new and uncomfortable level of distance during a conflict. Generally speaking, the more you dig, the less you get. 

So where does this leave a couple? Surely, never addressing your conflict and permanently feeling anxious is not the solution. Instead, focus on reigning in your tendency to be the pursuer/distancer in order to give each partner a better chance at staying in the conflict long enough to make some progress on the issue. Adjusting your focus to “how” you address conflict is what gives you the best chance at “if” you successfully address the issue (regardless of what the issue is). Then the hard (er) part comes: Now is the time when you bravely share with your partner the thoughts, feelings and desires that seem scary or impossible to share and work towards increased understanding and resolution. True intimacy requires transcending the fears that hold us back and opening up ourselves more fully to one another.  

When discussing this topic with the newly married class, they did something both beautiful and courageous. They requested information from one another about what they could do to support their partners in their efforts to resist their urges to either pursue or withdraw. 

• The distancers shared:
  • “When you have an issue that you want to discuss with me, the more gently you bring it up or the more of a heads up I have, the easier it is to resist running away.”
  • “The more gratitude you share about my efforts to engage with you, the more I want to try and the more confidence I have that I can resolve an issue.”
  • “At the end of the day, remember that it’s not that I don’t want to talk to you. Ultimately, I’m just afraid of disappointing you, hurting you or that I won’t be able to solve the problem.”
• The pursuers shared:
  • “If you don’t know how to solve the problem, or if you’re not ready to discuss it, it would help me calm down if you simply acknowledged there is an issue.”
  • “Communicate your commitment to discuss it at a better time, and that you do care about resolving things with me. Otherwise, it’s easy for me to feel abandoned and scared of losing you.”
  • “The more you speak up about being dissatisfied, the more confidence I have that I don’t have to go searching for what you’re unhappy about. At the end of the day, I want to know you're forthright with me, so I have a chance to adjust my behavior when I need to.”

I hope their bravery inspires you, as it did me. I hope you can see your part in your relationship dynamics more clearly, and that you use this information to engage in conflict in a way that leads to more intimate relationships and more lasting solutions. 

Five Steps to Finding Your Therapist

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One of the questions I ask clients during our first therapy session is "When did you decide you wanted to see a therapist?" Some decided earlier that week, and some people decided they wanted to see a therapist years ago, but it just took time. 

The process of finding a therapist can be quite overwhelming, particularly if it's the person's first time going to therapy. People are often highly distressed by the time they are looking for a therapist, with patience and energy being at an all-time low. 

One thing you should know if you are considering looking for a therapist: therapy is work, and the work begins with your search for the right therapist. Below are five steps to help you navigate the search process so that you can find a therapist that is best equipped to help you address your specific concerns. 

1) Reflect On Your Specific Reasons For Seeking Out A Therapist

Are you experiencing depression or anxiety? Has there been an affair in your relationship and you are trying to figure out how to recover from this? Are you having conflict with your children? Is there an addiction that is plaguing the family? Are you feeling aimless and not sure how to move forward in your career? Has chronic fighting replaced the love and affection in your relationship with your partner, and you're unsure how to find your way back? 

You could be seeking a therapist for any number of reasons, but not every therapist works with every concern people are wanting to address. Make it a priority to search for a therapist who specializes in your particular concerns. They will be better trained, have more experience, and you will be setting yourself up to have the best opportunity to meet your goals. 

2) Evaluate The Various Options You Have For Getting Names of Potential Therapists

Now that you've clarified what you'd like to address and that you're looking for someone who specializes in those issues, you've got several options for getting names of potential therapists. 

• Ask for references from the people you already have access to - family, friends, faith communities, your general physician, etc. If you're comfortable asking, these are some of your best resources for getting the names of a few good therapists. Often the people they refer to will be someone they have worked with personally, and they can elaborate on the effectiveness of therapy and why they are recommending them. 
• Look at databases that list therapists in your local community. These vary in what information they provide, but it's a good starting point to get to names, locations, credentials and usually a website where you can learn more about them. If this is the route you'd like to use, check out psychologytoday.com or therapistlocator.net. 
• Conduct a general internet search. Internet searches are the most common way people look for therapists theses days. It can be overwhelming to go this route, simply because Google naturally provides us with an exorbitant amount of information. You can find a therapist that's a good fit going this route, but you'll need to be extra vigilant about their qualifications and specialties.

3) Conduct Phone Interviews With Potential Matches

Once you've got a few names of therapists in your area, conduct a phone interview with them to narrow your search. Here are some useful questions to ask during the phone interview.

• What populations or issues do they specialize in working with?

• How long have they been in practice?

• What are their license and credentials? Have them explain to you what these means.

• What are their fees?

• Briefly share what you're seeking therapy for, and ask them if they think they can help you address your concerns. 

• Approximately how long do they usually work with people who are experiencing something similarly?

• What is it like to be in therapy with them? What should you expect?

If you plan on going to therapy with another adult, share with them what you've discovered from your interviews and research, and together decide who is most likely to be a good fit. 

4) Set Up First Appointment With The Person or Persons You Believe Might Be A Good Fit

Some therapist's offer a free in-person consultation, and some do not. Regardless, the first session is a good time to ask any other questions you may have about the therapy process, to see if you feel comfortable with them, and to clarify if they can help you address your concerns. 

Some people may feel uncomfortable continuing to assess if their therapist is a good fit. But any good therapist knows they are not a good fit for every person, even when they specialize in addressing your concerns. If you don't feel that you connect with the therapist or hopeful they can help you address your reasons for coming, then you may need to consider continuing your search. 

5) Decide On A Therapist And Make A Commitment 

If you think you've found a therapist that can help you, invest in going for a period of time. If you don't, then give yourself permission to continue your search. As with any health care need, the goal of this assessment process is to set you up to make the most informed and empowered decision about care for yourself and your loved ones.  

Therapy is a significant investment of time, money and most importantly, of yourself and your relationships. Use these steps to guide you in your search, and you'll be taking the first step towards accomplishing your goals.

Finding your voice

Most parents can tell you the story of when their child “found their voice”. Suddenly, their child realizes they can make these amazing sounds come out of their mouth, and it creates a reaction in the people around them. A parent's response to this new development can vary, but generally they are comforted by knowing this is just a phase. 

Thankfully, as we grow, we learn better ways to communicate and get other’s attention in a more age appropriate manner. And for some of us, we continue to have experiences where we use our voice to communicate, and the people in our life respond to us in respectful, affirming ways. 

However, many of us have had experiences where we attempted to voice our thoughts and feelings, and it was either met with invalidation or we momentarily misplaced our courage and never quite got the words out. 

Working as a therapist, I am often sitting across from people who appear to have lost their voice. Whether they want many things to be different or simply to be heard, it is clear that somewhere along their life's journey, it became much harder to share their honest thoughts and feelings.  The distance and misunderstanding that is created from this relationship dynamic only reinforce the fears that keep us from opening ourselves up. 

And yet, relationships work best when all members have room to voice their thoughts and feelings, even when they are different from those around them. The conflict and the negotiating that ensue can create a connection and intimacy in relationships that a false sense of peace, from avoiding conflict, never could.

As an infant, finding our voice is considered a normal stage of healthy development. And as we get older, rediscovering our voice and learning how to utilize it well is just another stage of healthy development. Here are some things to keep in mind as you embark on this journey:

Noticing is the first step in creating change in relationships. 
So try noticing if your child wants to say something but looks timid or afraid of your response. Notice if your opinion seems to hold more weight than your colleagues and what that might be like for them. And notice in yourself the fears that creep in and hold you back from being more honest with those around you. 

Conflict is not the enemy. 
Using your voice will at times lead to conflict, but conflict is not the enemy. Conflict is an essential part of any healthy relationship. In fact, having "no conflict" can be a sign of a relationship in trouble. It usually means someone in the relationship is unsure of their ability to deal with the conflict in a healthy manner, and they opt to avoid it altogether. So instead of it being addressed, the conflict lurks in the shadows of our most precious relationships and leaves us feeling disconnected and alone.

Remember that the road to finding or strengthening your voice will be littered with fear and anxiety. 
Voicing our thoughts and feelings, especially with those we hold most dear, is indeed a scary task that will, at times, take more courage than you thought you had. But to create lasting change, you must embark on what is counterintuitive, push through the fear, so that you and your relationships can make a breakthrough. 

Honor all attempts to vocalize thoughts and feelings, no matter how small. 
Some people’s personalities allow them to dive headfirst into this process. However, most of us will need lots of small, positive experiences of using our voice to support us in building up to bigger, risky ones. When you see others attempt to voice something, honor it by listening and acknowledging that what they said has value simply because they do. Also, honor your own courage when you attempt to voice something new by responding to yourself with kindness and respect, instead of negative self-talk about how you could have done it better. 

Rejoice when you find a little more courage, be gentle with your relationships, and most of all, remember that no matter where you find yourself on this journey, your voice matters.

Relationship Tips for this Holiday Season

With the holidays just around the corner, many of us are preparing for navigating tricky family relationships. And while I do hope your holidays are filled with joy, peace, and a sense of connection to those you love, I imagine in everyone's holiday there will be moments that highlight the challenges in our relationships. 

Below are a few helpful tips to assist you in navigating this holiday season. 

Be curious. It's remarkable how easily, and frequently, we misunderstand one another. Try adopting a more curious posture this holiday by assuming you don't fully understand what others are saying, asking clarifying questions and giving others the benefit of the doubt. 

Give yourself permission to take care of your needs. Take a nap, go for a walk, or do whatever helps you feel grounded. You will have a greater capacity to interact the way you want to if you make sure you are getting what you need.

Be Strategic. If you know after two days with your extended family that you are going to need a break, then plan your trips accordingly. You could plan to take a break by venturing out into the city by yourself, see friends, or plan a date with your partner. 

Breathe! A lot. And Deeply. Increased stress is to be expected during this season. Deep breathing helps to relax your body and mind, and decrease your stress levels, so that you are your best self in the midst of times that are commonly more stressful. 

Leave shame and negative self-talk at the door. You are not perfect, and your loved ones are not either. When someone acts less than ideal, avoid giving into thoughts that say, “This holiday is ruined!" or "Things will never get better". These thoughts are not true, and they won't help you. 

Remember that we all experience fears and insecurities, and these can be especially strong with those closest to us. Feelings are a beautiful part of how we operate, and they can provide us with a wealth of information. However, if you find yourself frequently overwhelmed by your emotions, it will be useful to talk with a trusted friend or a therapist to sort out what you are experiencing and how to move forward. 

Create a new tradition or keep one going. Traditions help people feel connected to others and to their common history in a way that few other things do. It may be playing a new game, making a festive meal together, or serving at a shelter over the holidays. 

Happy Holidays! May they be (mostly) Merry & Bright!

Amazing Tips On How We Unintentionally Parent

Gentle Parenting Answers with Paige http://www.parentinggently.com