The Conversation to Avoid After an Affair

The disclosure of an affair usually turns people’s worlds upside down for a time. You’re in a situation you hoped you would never be in. You’re in a situation you’d give anything to get out of. Whether you’re the one who participated in the affair or the one who just found out, catching your breath and figuring out how and in what way to move forward is going to take some time.

Needless to say, you’ve got a lot of hard conversations in your future. However, there is one conversation I hope you don’t have in the immediate aftermath of discovering an affair.

Don’t decide if you’re going to end the relationship.

It will certainly come up. But avoid the hell out of making an actual decision about this. You likely don’t have enough information to truly understand what happened, what it meant to everyone, what it means now, or how this was even possible. You are likely so disoriented by discovering the affair or being discovered that you are having trouble making good decisions for your life long term. The time following the disclosure of an affair is usually terrible. But it’s terrible whether you decide to leave or you decide to stay. You need to have time to gather information, process your own experience and reflect on what rebuilding the relationship would require of each person before you can make a thoughtful decision that usually has far-reaching implications. The pain from going through this will make you want to call it quits to avoid the pain, but unfortunately, there is no real avoiding the pain from this. Moving through it thoughtfully, healing and making sure you don’t make decisions you regret is the best case scenario for this awful situation. You may decide to end the relationship, but now is not the time for that decision.

But here is what you can and need to do:

• Each partner needs at least one person in their personal life that they can tell. If possible, I recommend communicating to one another who these people are so both partners are in the loop.

• Slow down and make sure the basics of your life are managed. Caring for kids, eating, sleeping, making sure everyone is safe. Lean on the people you’ve shared this information with to help with these tasks if you aren’t able to manage them on your own.

• If you have kids, do not tell them. If you can barely deal with this, they sure as hell can’t.

• Seek out professional help. It’s really easy to make this bad situation worse by trying to address it on your own. Get recommendations or do some homework to find someone that can help.

Whether you ultimately end the relationship or work to rebuild, remind yourself you will get through this, one way or another. There is life and happiness on the other side of this. You just have to get there.

How Therapists Fight in Real Life

Being a therapist is weird sometimes. I spend my working life meeting with folks, hearing their stories, helping them hear and understand one another better, and cultivating with them relationships that are worth being a part of. And then I come home where I have to navigate my own world and relationships, with a self-imposed expectation that I'm going to get it right the majority of the time. Well, I don't. And I'd wager to say most therapists don't practice what we preach often enough simply because relationships are hard work. However, I recently had an experience with my husband that's worth sharing. 

We've been having the same fight about the same topic for about a year and a half now. Since our daughter was born, we've been struggling to figure out how to redistribute the plethora of newfound responsibilities and at the end of the day feel loved, supported, and equally valued by one another. Basically, we are like every other new parent. A friend recently asked, "Do you always know how to deal with conflict with your husband?" The truth is, often I do. And often I can't muster the resolve or energy to actually do it. It's as if I'm driving a speeding car, knowing I'm going to crash, knowing how bad the crash is going to be, knowing how long it's going to take to recover because I specialize in crash safety, but hitting the gas as the same. "You know it's going to be bad if you keep this up" is the voice I'll hear in my head. "You know if you'd do all the stuff you help couples do in therapy that you'd have a different outcome". 

The fight we recently had lasted from about 11:30am until around 3:00pm. We started off like we usually do. Trying to get our points across, frustrated that we are still having this fight, frustrated that the other doesn't seem to understand what we're saying. We went on like this for about 30 minutes. Then went to separate rooms. We tried again about 15 minutes later. Same thing. And again about an hour later. Same f*cking Thing. My husband is usually very composed, and quite funny. And even in a conflict, he is usually very thoughtful and articulate, sans the humor. I went into the room he was in for the fourth time. Usually, this process ends after the second or third round of fighting with us just deciding we need to go see our therapist. However, the fourth time was why this fight ended differently. I went in and told him that no matter what, I didn't want to be unkind. Something I've said before but usually with the caveat that I really want him to understand my hurt and how I go from hurt to angry, and from angry to sharp. It's true. I don't ever want to be unkind, and yet sometimes I am. 

Here's what happened on the fourth try. I decided to just listen. We weren't getting anywhere with this back and forth. He talked for a while, some sharing how my words impact him and impact his feelings towards me, some processing his own feelings about things separate from me. As he talked, I could sense waves of empathy towards him. I would listen for a few more minutes, and then begin to feel my body get warm all over with impatience and defensiveness. Everything in me wanted to blurt out "BUT WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS?!”, “DO YOU NOT SEE HOW YOU CONTRIBUTE TO THIS?!” I would breathe, and then begin to feel empathy again. And then impatience again, and frustration again. 

I needed to get it. And even more importantly, he needed to feel like I really got what he's experiencing. So I listened. I breathed deeply, I looked him in the eyes and tried to imagine what he was experiencing and forced myself to temporarily set aside my deep desire for him to understand my side. He shared for a while, who knows how long it really was, but it felt like a long while. Several times I was hoping he was almost done when he wasn't. But I stayed focused on him, listening and empathizing as much as I could, noticing my frustration and defensiveness but not acting on it. All while noticing his sadness and really trying to attend to it.

What I know about relationships is that we would continue to spin our wheels and grow apart if my singular focus was only on him understanding me. Truthfully, I didn't want to just listen and remain silent while he had the floor. The benefit of being a couples therapist and having knowledge about healthy relationship functioning is in the same way I know when I'm royally screwing things up, I know that even when I'm not feeling empathetic, putting in the relational work of simply listening is more likely to help us make progress. That day, my work in this relationship was to just listen. To push through the frustration, impatience, and momentary indignation and just let him share and try to understand his experience in this relationship. There was nothing else I could do in those moments. He was hurting, and hurt people require empathy and attention and space to share if they're going to start healing. 

And voilà! Everything is better now and we will never fight again... ha, no. 

As lovely as that would be, we're still on our journey of sorting through this particular argument. There's more understanding than there once was, and although we have definitely not mastered how to be partners/lovers and parents, we know each other more deeply and we are figuring out how to make this work a little better for both of us. I knew in my gut that this experience is what progress feels like. Not only did I do the steps to make my husband feel understood, I experienced the happy by-product of actually understanding him and his experience better. And perhaps this deeper understanding of one another is the real end goal of all relational work. We'll have to take turns offering one another this gift of listening without being fully understood countless more times about this fight, and many others. But on this day, we made progress. It was extremely unpleasant for me in the moment but produced the happy outcome of helping us along our journey together. 

I hope this story of our small victory in a smattering of face-plants helps reenergize you to do the essential and often unpleasant relational work that all loving relationships require. I also hope it normalizes what that work can feel like at times, and how many rounds you sometimes have to go with your partner to work through conflict. 

Feeling Disconnected from your Partner? Try this.

Folks often come to couples therapy because they're feeling disconnected. They've tried hard. They're exhausted and hopelessness is starting to seep inside. The spark and intimacy in their relationship are fading and they're unsure if it can be restored.

What happened to our Relationship? 

A tale of two boats. A common story.

When relationships first start, it's like two separate boats coming side by side, admiring the other, feeling excited to be around the other and dreaming of the adventures ahead of them as they cruise around this life together. The opportunities usually feel endless, and the pull towards the other's boat can feel magnetic. There's even plenty of leaping into one another's boats and allowing the rest of the world to fade away. Who wouldn't want this to last forever? So often we try. However, before we realize it, we are cruising around our lives in one boat. It starts out feeling nice and cozy. However, as time marches on, this boat you're sharing can begin to feel crowded and stifling, with occasional fantasies about jumping ship. And soon enough you're waist deep in fights about who is driving the boat, where the boat gets to go, what's allowed on the boat, etc.

There is more conflict than desire for one another, as there isn't much "other" left. When faced with this experience, the most common tactic folks use to try to remedy this is to spend more time together. However, as counter-intuitive as it may seem, rebuilding connection looks like re-establishing individual boats to allow for increased space between one another.

Intentionally creating this increased space between one another, as scary as it may feel, gives you a chance to see the other and be drawn back towards one another. 

And yes, this can equate to less time together but also a decrease in conflict and opportunity for deeper connection.

5 ways to rebuild your relationship by rebuilding your own boat. 

• Get to know yourself again. Do you want to resume an old hobby? Pick up a new one? Engage in a creative venture that you've felt you just couldn't fit into your life? If there is something you've been forgoing because your partner doesn't want to participate, revisit this topic with them and discuss how you can create space in your relationship for you to enjoy this activity.
• Develop some independent friendships. Mutual friends are great but work towards investing a little more time into relationships that don't revolve around your relationship with your partner.
• Be honest about your preferences. If you don't like certain activities, certain movies, speak up about them and allow your partner the opportunity to engage in these activities independently or with others that enjoy these more.
• Give yourself license to fall on your face. Balancing your own boat while staying connected to your partner is a relationship long balancing act. At times, you'll feel like you're in a groove and other times you'll realize your boat sank or you aren't even quite sure where your partner's boat is. The important thing is that you realize where you're at, and work towards correcting course.
• Communicate with your partner what you're up to.  It can be very alarming for your partner if you suddenly jump out of the boat you've been cruising in together. "You're abandoning me!" they'll exclaim. It's completely logical and your partner is not crazy for worrying about this. That is exactly what it might feel like to them. Communicate calmly and provide reassurance to them. Change is uncomfortable, even if it's good for relationships. So just talk to them about how you're working on strengthening the relationship by rediscovering parts of yourself you let fall to the wayside during the course of the relationship.

How to avoid screwing this up.

Whatever you do, do not send this article to your partner and declare that you are no longer required to do anything with them that doesn't appeal to you. That's not what this is saying. All relationships require flexibility with one another and participating in activities that you don't prefer. This is about looking at your relationship and figuring out where you fall on the "separateness and togetherness" spectrum. Each of you was drawn to who one another was, so provide one another the opportunity to be fully yourselves in this relationship. And as you rediscover your individual sense of self apart from your relationships, you'll be on your way to reconnecting with those you love in deeper and more sustaining ways.

Infidelity Lives in the Silence

Recently, the New York Times published an Op-Ed piece entitled Infidelity Lurks in Your Genes which describes how the variations in people’s genetic make-up influence how inclined individuals are towards monogamy and infidelity. The social scientist in me was immediately fascinated by the article. How amazing that we live in a time where we can discover so much about the human body! However, as a couples therapist, I reached the end of the article wondering how couples would utilize the information. Would they use the information to pathologize their partners? Would they use it to justify their choices? Would they feel powerless to create the lives they desire due to their genetics?

Some of us may have a genetic predisposition to go outside our committed relationships, as the research suggests. However, what does this mean for the folks who love their partners and their families, and want to remain faithful to these relationships but may have genes that gear them towards infidelity? Are they doomed to wander outside their relationship? If the research is valid, is there any hope for them to stay committed?

It's time we break the silence on how attraction works in long-term committed relationships and how we can deal with it in a way that protects and strengthens relationships.

The hard truth

Never being attracted to another person other than your spouse does not make you a wonderful partner or a holy person, it just means you are dead. Six-feet under. And since you're reading this, you're still very much alive. There will be times when you will feel an attraction to someone other than your partner. And your partner will feel this way as well. It's sad, it's scary, and it's disappointing. However, it is also a normal part of any committed adult relationship that needs to be accepted and handled in a mature manner.

Pat Love, a Marriage and Family Therapist, writes about the biological aspect of attraction. In her book, The Truth about Love, she writes, "There is a segment of DNA called the human lymphocyte antigen (HLA), which functions as the immune system's disease detector. An individual's HLA codes for a limited number of diseases and passes on this ability to potential offspring through DNA. However, if this individual mates with a person with a different HLA code, then their offspring will have immunity to far more diseases. This discovery revealed the great evolutionary advantage of mating between a man and women with dissimilar DNA codes. Consequently, when you come into contact with a suitable DNA match, you will feel an attraction, or what we call chemistry."

Basically, we are wired to feel “chemistry” with more than one person because our bodies are designed to draw us closer to others with whom any potential children could have the most immunities. This biological process explains why couples can be head over heels for one another, and still find themselves attracted to another person. Moreover, if the compatible DNA match is also charming, it can leave folks utterly confused about what they are experiencing.  

If the predisposition for infidelity lurks in our genes, then the manifestation of infidelity lives in the silence.

We have no control over our biology or the relationships that have been modeled for us. But we are in control of how we care for our relationships and how we address these issues when they arise. Below are three very important things you need to do if you want to be the one in control of the fidelity of your relationship:

1. Start talking about attraction to people other than your partner as a normal, albeit very inconvenient, aspect of any monogamous relationship. Share this article with your partner and tell them that you want to tackle every issue as a team, which is why you want to start this conversation.
    
2. Start talking with your partner about how you'd like to deal with this when it comes up. Begin strategizing and problem-solving together, as people on the same team working towards the same goal: protecting and caring for your relationship. I would not recommend telling one another every time you see a good-looking person. You would find yourself talking about little else. However, it is wise to agree on how and when you want to confide in one another, and what boundaries you want to establish. I would recommend confiding in your partner if you'll continue to be around the person by necessity, or if that person does not seem to respect the boundaries of your commitment. Or if you simply feel scared. Few things will spook someone like being in love with their partner, and then suddenly feeling captivated by a handsome stranger.
   
   If you are thinking "How in the world would I ever tell my partner I am feeling an attraction to another person? They would be crushed!" It's true. It's going to hurt like hell and take a lot of guts on your part. However, this kind of pain is far less than the pain inflicted on a relationship following an affair. This pain leads to growth, intimacy, and a solid trust in your partner that regardless of how they feel, they are committed to protecting the relationship and being honest even when it is hard.
    
3. Accept that regardless of your genetic predisposition or your personal history, your choices concerning fidelity are always your own. Many people have bought into the lie that simply because we feel an attraction to someone, that we must act on it. The space between feelings and choice seems almost non-existent. Long-term monogamous relationships require us to start believing that even when we do feel an attraction to someone other than our partner, we still have the capacity to choose how we want to respond.

As a couples therapist, infidelity is the catalyst for around half of the couples who end up in my office. Many of them found themselves experiencing an attraction to someone else, and believed they had to remain silent about it for fear of hurting their partner. Silence is the context that gives life to infidelity. There are many things in life we have no control over. This is not one of them. Take a deep breath, start talking, and take charge of your commitment to your partner.

Dealing with Conflict and Getting Intimate with your Partner

Recently, I’ve been teaching a class about the transition to marriage, and one of the things we discussed was some best practices for dealing with conflict. Every couple in the class could identify with the frustration that comes with feeling as if you’re fighting in circles with your partner, and not making any progress. Before you know it, defensiveness and criticism have crept into the conflict, and you have barely touched the issue that needs to be discussed and hopefully resolved. 

The question is not how to get rid of the conflict in our relationships, but how do we engage in conflict in a healthy way that leads to increased intimacy and admiration between partners? Some people may wonder if this is even possible. 

The answer is yes. But we need to understand what’s really going on during our conflicts if we are going to engage in conflict in a way that builds up our relationships, instead of tearing them down. 

Understanding Conflict

This experience of going in circles often stems from what is called a “pursuer-distancer dynamic” in relationships.  We tend to see this most strongly in intimate partner relationships, but it can occur in any relationship. The process goes like this: 

When there is tension about an issue or concern about the relationship - everyone’s anxiety naturally goes up. People attempt to manage their anxiety by either pursuing or distancing. 

• Pursuing: The partner who tends to manage their anxiety by pursuing attempts to get closer to their partner, requests more time, attention, conversation and information. The last thing they want is to feel rejected by their partner. 
• Distancing: The partner who tends to manage their anxiety by distancing will get quiet, avoid talking about the issue, avoid engaging with their partner, request more alone time, or even pretend like the issue is not valid. The last thing the distancer wants is to feel overwhelmed or criticized by their partner. 

The writing on the wall is not hard to decipher. 

The very behaviors the pursuer is using to decrease their anxiety (trying to get close to their partner), inadvertently raises the anxiety of their distancer. The distancer usually responds by withdrawing as a means of decreasing their anxiety (trying to get space), which inadvertently raise the anxiety of the pursuer. And around and around they go!

It’s important to note that neither the pursuer or the distancer are solely responsible for starting or maintaining this cycle. Each person contributes to the cycle, and if either party changes their pursuing or distancing behaviors, the cycle changes. Also, in some situations or some relationships you may be more of the pursuer, and in others, more of the distancer. 

But in order to stay out of these unhelpful cycles of conflict, you'll need to find a different way to manage anxiety, be willing to tolerate a new level of anxiety, and risk being more vulnerable in your relationships. 

• For the distancer, this means resisting the urge to withdraw physically, emotionally or intellectually from the conflict. Basically, you’ve got to practice showing up in the conflict instead of running away. 
• And for the pursuers, this means resisting the urge to chase after your partner, especially if you sense them pulling away and breathe through a new and uncomfortable level of distance during a conflict. Generally speaking, the more you dig, the less you get. 

So where does this leave a couple? Surely, never addressing your conflict and permanently feeling anxious is not the solution. Instead, focus on reigning in your tendency to be the pursuer/distancer in order to give each partner a better chance at staying in the conflict long enough to make some progress on the issue. Adjusting your focus to “how” you address conflict is what gives you the best chance at “if” you successfully address the issue (regardless of what the issue is). Then the hard (er) part comes: Now is the time when you bravely share with your partner the thoughts, feelings and desires that seem scary or impossible to share and work towards increased understanding and resolution. True intimacy requires transcending the fears that hold us back and opening up ourselves more fully to one another.  

When discussing this topic with the newly married class, they did something both beautiful and courageous. They requested information from one another about what they could do to support their partners in their efforts to resist their urges to either pursue or withdraw. 

• The distancers shared:
  • “When you have an issue that you want to discuss with me, the more gently you bring it up or the more of a heads up I have, the easier it is to resist running away.”
  • “The more gratitude you share about my efforts to engage with you, the more I want to try and the more confidence I have that I can resolve an issue.”
  • “At the end of the day, remember that it’s not that I don’t want to talk to you. Ultimately, I’m just afraid of disappointing you, hurting you or that I won’t be able to solve the problem.”
• The pursuers shared:
  • “If you don’t know how to solve the problem, or if you’re not ready to discuss it, it would help me calm down if you simply acknowledged there is an issue.”
  • “Communicate your commitment to discuss it at a better time, and that you do care about resolving things with me. Otherwise, it’s easy for me to feel abandoned and scared of losing you.”
  • “The more you speak up about being dissatisfied, the more confidence I have that I don’t have to go searching for what you’re unhappy about. At the end of the day, I want to know you're forthright with me, so I have a chance to adjust my behavior when I need to.”

I hope their bravery inspires you, as it did me. I hope you can see your part in your relationship dynamics more clearly, and that you use this information to engage in conflict in a way that leads to more intimate relationships and more lasting solutions.