Is Venting Biting you in the A**?

Let me be the first to say that I love the opportunity to vent. For me, like most people, it can be a full body cathartic experience to get something off my chest. Not to mention, if the person I am sharing with is able to demonstrate active listening (eye contact, nods, ask questions), be patient and empathize with whatever my woe happens to be, it usually leaves me feeling more deeply connected to them. 

What's really happening when we vent?

When something's upsetting, it causes our own stress and anxiety to rise. Small doses of this are normal and manageable, but as it builds, we start to look for opportunities to vent. When we "get something off our chest", we are quite literally transferring our anxiety from ourselves to someone else. This is one of the great benefits of being in loving, attentive relationships. We carry the burdens and stress of one another, which helps us deal with the normal and predictable challenges of life, and helps us feel like others are "with us" in our struggles. 

Two ways venting can bite us in the a**

As stated above, venting transfers our anxiety and stress from us to others. Moreover, our anxiety goes back to a more manageable level. 

1.) Venting can bite you and me in the ass when real change is needed. The catalyst for change (often high levels of distress that feel unmanageable) essentially gets undermined because we cope so well via venting. The real danger with venting is that you can use it to cope so well, that you cope yourself into accepting the status quo. Your anxiety and distress don't have the opportunity to mount to such a level that the unknown of change is preferred to the unpleasant realities of the present. This applies across the board from to careers, to home life, to friendships to politics. 

2.) Venting can have an erosive effect on our relationships if the venting is one sided, or dominates interactions. It's not uncommon for folks to start to dread these relationships and slowly pull away, as the listener can easily feel used as "free therapy".  

What this looks like in real life.

What usually develops is what's called a Relational Triangle. Person A is upset with person B, and instead of dealing with issue X directly with person B, person A shares the frustration with person C. Creating this triangle meets the need of decreasing stress for person A, has a stabilizing effect on person A and person B's relationship, and creates a more intimate relationship between person A and person C. However, it also limits person A and person B's capacity to deal with their issues and bring about any real substantial change. 

Stress and anxiety can often be a signal that something is not right, that something needs to change. In the same way that chronic pain in the body needs to be attended to, so does emotional/relational stress. If you're chronically unhappy at work and you've been venting for some time, maybe instead of only venting, pay attention to your dissatisfaction. If it could speak, what would it say? What direct conversation needs to happen with your boss, co-worker, etc? Is there a need for systemic change in the office? Or perhaps even a job/career change? In your personal life, what do you find yourself complaining about most often? If you're not speaking directly to person B about issue X, who are you channeling that stress to? Is that coping method undermining the opportunity for your relationship to grow? 

 

tips to manage stress & anxiety Well

Without it damaging relationships or missing cues that change is needed. 

1.) Make sure the person you're sharing with has the bandwidth at that moment for you to share. Check in with them and just ask "Hi, do you mind if I vent for a few minutes?".  Respect if they are just mentally and emotionally not in a good place to carry anymore at that time. On the receiving end, if you're just not in a good spot to carry anymore, just be honest and let the person trying to share know you love them but are already feeling overwhelmed by your own stuff or the day or the kids or whatever it is. Ask if you can take care of yourself first via a shower, a walk, calling a friend, bad TV (my personal favorite), etc. and follow up with them after you've met your own needs.
 
2.) Diversify your people. Relationships get weighted down when they are characterized by one party dumping all their anxiety of the other, and it starts to feel more like therapy than friendship. Or just go find a therapist to free up your friendships. 

3.) Be mindful of how long your venting. My husband and I (under normal circumstances and as long as we've got the bandwidth) offer one another an empathetic audience that is time-limited so as to avoid over-burdening the relationship. 

4.) Pay attention to chronic complaints. If something in your life needs to change or be addressed, likely that issue won't go away on its own. Don't like how someone talks to you? What assignments you get at work? What falls on your shoulders at home? Just venting about things you really want changed usually doesn't create change until you address things directly with the person with whom you're having the issue. Relational triangles are sneaky, and it's easy to create them or be pulled into them by others unintentionally. 

Why Divorce Is Always An Option

When I start working with a couple, I cringe a little when I hear them say, "Divorce isn't an option for us". First off, it's usually not true. In every demographic, we know of couples that, despite expectations or personal declarations, have gone their separate ways. More importantly, assuming that divorce couldn't happen to you is counterproductive to cultivating relationships worthy of your time, life, and love.

Commitment is not synonymous with enduring suffering or sticking to a relationship at all costs. Instead, it's conscious choices made every day, in large and small ways. Taking care of yourself, investing in personal and collective goals, learning how to speak the other's love language, being willing to express vulnerability and have difficult conversations in hopes of finding a path to the other side. It's taking time for introspection, dealing with your baggage, and working towards self-acceptance. It's working to create space for your partner to be their most authentic self, even when it brings discomfort and activates your sensitivities. It's making time to have fun together! I could go on, but you get the gist.

If you're convinced divorce wouldn't happen to you, it's easy to become complacent and not put in the work required to thrive. Simply put, when divorce isn't an option, people get lazy in their relationships.

It's far more advantageous to know that, in reality, any marriage can end. And if that's not what you want, invest in the work of commitment. This approach is far more likely to cultivate a relationship that both partners have a deep and enduring desire to maintain.

The argument I often hear against this approach is that acknowledging a marriage could end creates too much anxiety and insecurity for one or both partners. The fear of heartbreak and loss is overwhelming, and they worry it will undermine attempts to improve their relationship. And this makes sense too. I know that I'd be beyond devastated if my marriage ended. I understand the desire to protect oneself from such incredible loss.

But embracing this risk, and opening ourselves up to loss is the deal we sign up for when we create a life with someone. And any relationship worth being a part of is gonna hurt like hell if it ends. Even still, I'm convinced that deep love and commitment are worth the risk.

So although it can be incredibly uncomfortable to acknowledge that a divorce is always an option, I encourage you to let it be the fuel that drives your commitment. Breathe through the anxiety and allow your desire for your partner to give life to a beautiful partnership.

How Therapists Fight in Real Life

Being a therapist is weird sometimes. I spend my working life meeting with folks, hearing their stories, helping them hear and understand one another better, and cultivating with them relationships that are worth being a part of. And then I come home where I have to navigate my own world and relationships, with a self-imposed expectation that I'm going to get it right the majority of the time. Well, I don't. And I'd wager to say most therapists don't practice what we preach often enough simply because relationships are hard work. However, I recently had an experience with my husband that's worth sharing. 

We've been having the same fight about the same topic for about a year and a half now. Since our daughter was born, we've been struggling to figure out how to redistribute the plethora of newfound responsibilities and at the end of the day feel loved, supported, and equally valued by one another. Basically, we are like every other new parent. A friend recently asked, "Do you always know how to deal with conflict with your husband?" The truth is, often I do. And often I can't muster the resolve or energy to actually do it. It's as if I'm driving a speeding car, knowing I'm going to crash, knowing how bad the crash is going to be, knowing how long it's going to take to recover because I specialize in crash safety, but hitting the gas as the same. "You know it's going to be bad if you keep this up" is the voice I'll hear in my head. "You know if you'd do all the stuff you help couples do in therapy that you'd have a different outcome". 

The fight we recently had lasted from about 11:30am until around 3:00pm. We started off like we usually do. Trying to get our points across, frustrated that we are still having this fight, frustrated that the other doesn't seem to understand what we're saying. We went on like this for about 30 minutes. Then went to separate rooms. We tried again about 15 minutes later. Same thing. And again about an hour later. Same f*cking Thing. My husband is usually very composed, and quite funny. And even in a conflict, he is usually very thoughtful and articulate, sans the humor. I went into the room he was in for the fourth time. Usually, this process ends after the second or third round of fighting with us just deciding we need to go see our therapist. However, the fourth time was why this fight ended differently. I went in and told him that no matter what, I didn't want to be unkind. Something I've said before but usually with the caveat that I really want him to understand my hurt and how I go from hurt to angry, and from angry to sharp. It's true. I don't ever want to be unkind, and yet sometimes I am. 

Here's what happened on the fourth try. I decided to just listen. We weren't getting anywhere with this back and forth. He talked for a while, some sharing how my words impact him and impact his feelings towards me, some processing his own feelings about things separate from me. As he talked, I could sense waves of empathy towards him. I would listen for a few more minutes, and then begin to feel my body get warm all over with impatience and defensiveness. Everything in me wanted to blurt out "BUT WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS?!”, “DO YOU NOT SEE HOW YOU CONTRIBUTE TO THIS?!” I would breathe, and then begin to feel empathy again. And then impatience again, and frustration again. 

I needed to get it. And even more importantly, he needed to feel like I really got what he's experiencing. So I listened. I breathed deeply, I looked him in the eyes and tried to imagine what he was experiencing and forced myself to temporarily set aside my deep desire for him to understand my side. He shared for a while, who knows how long it really was, but it felt like a long while. Several times I was hoping he was almost done when he wasn't. But I stayed focused on him, listening and empathizing as much as I could, noticing my frustration and defensiveness but not acting on it. All while noticing his sadness and really trying to attend to it.

What I know about relationships is that we would continue to spin our wheels and grow apart if my singular focus was only on him understanding me. Truthfully, I didn't want to just listen and remain silent while he had the floor. The benefit of being a couples therapist and having knowledge about healthy relationship functioning is in the same way I know when I'm royally screwing things up, I know that even when I'm not feeling empathetic, putting in the relational work of simply listening is more likely to help us make progress. That day, my work in this relationship was to just listen. To push through the frustration, impatience, and momentary indignation and just let him share and try to understand his experience in this relationship. There was nothing else I could do in those moments. He was hurting, and hurt people require empathy and attention and space to share if they're going to start healing. 

And voilà! Everything is better now and we will never fight again... ha, no. 

As lovely as that would be, we're still on our journey of sorting through this particular argument. There's more understanding than there once was, and although we have definitely not mastered how to be partners/lovers and parents, we know each other more deeply and we are figuring out how to make this work a little better for both of us. I knew in my gut that this experience is what progress feels like. Not only did I do the steps to make my husband feel understood, I experienced the happy by-product of actually understanding him and his experience better. And perhaps this deeper understanding of one another is the real end goal of all relational work. We'll have to take turns offering one another this gift of listening without being fully understood countless more times about this fight, and many others. But on this day, we made progress. It was extremely unpleasant for me in the moment but produced the happy outcome of helping us along our journey together. 

I hope this story of our small victory in a smattering of face-plants helps reenergize you to do the essential and often unpleasant relational work that all loving relationships require. I also hope it normalizes what that work can feel like at times, and how many rounds you sometimes have to go with your partner to work through conflict. 

What's Normal in Relationships?

I hear this question a lot. Folks going about their lives and sometimes unsure if what they are doing or experiencing is normal. This is a really tricky question. And frankly, I think it's the wrong question to be asking. There is a lot that is "normal" that's terrible. Social media is explicitly demonstrating that sexual harassment is normal, with the bravery of women and men posting "me too" and sharing their stories. This is a glaring and horrific example of something that's "normal" yet utterly shameful. 

If the goal is creating and maintaining healthy relationships, I propose there are two questions that are significantly more useful. 

1.) What's normal for you?
2.) What do you want/need to be your new normal?

What's normal for you?

The single most powerful force that shapes our perspective of what's "normal" is our experiences growing up. The way we see our families handle conflict, stress, disappointment, friendships, love, work, emotions etc. provide a blueprint for us as we grow up and engage in similar experiences. This blueprint for normal is often a mixed bag. Most of us are given some norms that help us navigate our lives well, along with some other norms that are significantly less useful and even problematic. 

In 2005, David Foster Wallace gave a commencement speech that garnered a good bit of attention. He starts the speech with the story below:

"There are these two young fish swimming along, and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way. He nods at them and says, 'Morning boys, how's the water?' The two young fish swim on for a bit, and eventually one looks over at the other and goes 'What the hell is water'

This is often how our individual and family norms function. They're so familiar to us, that we often have a hard time even noticing them until they begin to give us trouble. 

When you need a new normal.

Needing a new normal usually comes from one of the following:
 1.) Internal conflict: your values aren't aligning with your norms anymore. One example I hear often is when people grow up in a  patriarchal household, yet their values regarding gender no longer align with that model of family life. 
2.) Conflict in your relationships due to your norms clashing. Our expectations come from what we believe is the norm. When your expectations don't align, you're likely to end up in conflicts that can leave you in a power struggle. This can come in many forms, such as how responsibilities are divided, how you approach disagreements, what is acceptable behavior, how much involvement is expected from extended family, what each of you believes affection looks like, etc. A willingness to co-creating a new normal for your relationship is often required if the relationship is going to continue without resentment or dissolution. 

Creating and Maintaining healthy relationships that work for everyone requires knowing what your norms and expectations are, and practicing flexibility. Whatever the reason you have for wanting or sometimes needing a new normal, keep in mind the following

• You have a fundamental right to create or co-create new norms in your life.
• Your current norms or the norms you grew up with do not have to be the norms you carry forward.
• You have the right to enjoy your life.
• Like all change, the process is usually uncomfortable. 

Ideas for creating new norms that enrich your life and might even save your relationships. 

Keep in mind that the list below is by no means comprehensive. Use these as a starting point to start brainstorming what kind of new norms you'd like to integrate into your life. 

• What do you want the norm to be regarding how you express appreciation and feel appreciated?
• What kind of norm would you like to have regarding how your family deals with conflict? Do you need to make a conscious effort to address conflict early to avoid explosive arguments becoming the norm? Perhaps integrating weekly or bi-weekly family meetings to address challenges from the week or encourage people to share their concerns who usually shy away from conflict?
• Is there a need for improvement in the way you show respect in your family? How might you demonstrate this to your loved ones?
• Would you like to adjust the norm regarding how much time is spent with your immediate family? Your extended family?
• What kind of norms do you want to establish regards meals together? Play? Pleasure? Time with friends? Kinds of activities that you participate in? Amount of activities? Technology in the home? Holidays traditions?
• What norm would you like to establish regarding the sharing of emotions (guys too)? dance parties in the living room? storytelling? playing pranks (the good-hearted kind)? Sharing household responsibilities?