Making Life More Balanced for Both Partners
"Feeling like life and responsibilities aren't evenly distributed is one of the main catalysts for tension in a relationship and a fierce culprit in eroding feelings of love and affection between even the most passionate partners."
And Helping Couples Feel The Love Between Them Again.
On my way home from the office this week, I found myself listening to our local NPR station and was captivated by the conversation they were having. This particular hour was dedicated to Think with Krys Boyd, where they were discussing the different experiences men and women have regarding childcare responsibilities, inequities of distribution of labor, how these dynamics impact the quality of the couple's relationship and how children learn about the value of men and women in our society. I encourage everyone to listen to the entire interview.
You can listen by clicking on the link below.
How Parents Teach Kids to Disrespect Women
As I listened to this podcast on my drive home, I realized 2 of the 4 couples that I had seen that day were working to address this very issue. They were working hard to understand one another's experience, care for ways they had unknowingly hurt one another's feelings, and figure out how to make their relationship work and stay connected given all they had on their plates. Feeling like life and responsibilities aren't evenly distributed is one of the main catalysts for tension in a relationship and a fierce culprit in eroding feelings of love and affection between even the most passionate partners. I like this interview because it put into words the experiences of these couples and highlighted some of the barriers to creating change. What I didn't like was that the segment did not provide a lot of solutions or hope for change if you're not satisfied with the current division of labor in your relationship. Below are some tips to start making adjustments in your relationship that will lead to you and your partner feeling more understood, more loved and to make sure we provide our children a blueprint of family life that will make their adult relationships a little easier.
1.) Listen to the podcast by clicking here. Seriously, do it. And I would put money on it that you'll have some emotional reaction to it, either feeling validated or defensive or confused or maybe even a little mad. Whatever you're experiencing, send the link to your partner and then ask to talk about it. Even just asking them, "What parts resonated with you? Where do you feel we do this well? Where can we make some adjustments?"
2.) While sharing with one another your individual experiences, practice expressing compassion for one another's experience. Gender issues are hard for women as well as men in different ways, and usually each person feels more constrained then their partner understands.
3.) Think for yourself. The explanation of "this is what I saw growing up" just isn't good enough. It makes sense this a default, but it's very common to marry someone who grew up in a different family dynamic or someone who wants something different. You're going to need to be creative and flexible and work together to figure out how each person in the family will feel loved and valued. It doesn't matter whether you choose a more traditional model of family (one parent works outside the home/other parent works inside the home) or a more modern/egalitarian model of family (both parents work outside the home/both help with childcare and household responsibilities). What really matters is that you've discussed this and make a conscious decision that aligns with your desires and your values.
4.) If you can afford it, outsource. Outsourcing certain responsibilities of cleaning/childcare/lawn-care/etc. can be hard on the pocketbook, but if you can financially manage it, it can be a small part of creating a greater sense of equity, freedom and respect between partners. You may also consider exploring a barter system with others who are likely in a similar situation as you and could use the mutual support.
5.) Make the implicit explicit. So much of family dynamics is unspoken. You feel it, you know it, but no one really says it. From who is responsible for deciding on Christmas presents, to coordinating family outings, to lunches to grocery runs, it's easy to just get in a groove about the distribution of labor, and never talk about it. So again, start talking explicitly about this and be open to switching things up. In long-term healthy relationships, this is an ongoing conversation where you continue to course correct. Be gracious with one another, be kind and be clear about what adjustments you want. If you know there are specific things you want, you have a responsibility to speak up and give your partner the opportunity to grow with you.
Creating increased equity between partners, being flexible with one another and growing together in creating a family life that works for all is the work of falling in love again and staying in love.
What's Normal in Relationships?
You have the fundamental right to create or co-create new norms in your life, that your current norms do not have to be the norms you carry forward, and that like all change, the process is usually uncomfortable.
I hear this question a lot. Folks going about their lives and sometimes unsure if what they are doing or experiencing is normal. This is a really tricky question. And frankly, I think it's the wrong question to be asking. There is a lot that is "normal" that's terrible. Social media is explicitly demonstrating that sexual harassment is normal, with the bravery of women and men posting "me too" and sharing their stories. This is a glaring and horrific example of something that's "normal" yet utterly shameful.
If the goal is creating and maintaining healthy relationships, I propose there are two questions that are significantly more useful.
1.) What's normal for you?
2.) What do you want/need to be your new normal?
What's normal for you?
The single most powerful force that shapes our perspective of what's "normal" is our experiences growing up. The way we see our families handle conflict, stress, disappointment, friendships, love, work, emotions etc. provide a blueprint for us as we grow up and engage in similar experiences. This blueprint for normal is often a mixed bag. Most of us are given some norms that help us navigate our lives well, along with some other norms that are significantly less useful and even problematic.
In 2005, David Foster Wallace gave a commencement speech that garnered a good bit of attention. He starts the speech with the story below:
"There are these two young fish swimming along, and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way. He nods at them and says, 'Morning boys, how's the water?' The two young fish swim on for a bit, and eventually one looks over at the other and goes 'What the hell is water'
This is often how our individual and family norms function. They're so familiar to us, that we often have a hard time even noticing them until they begin to give us trouble.
When you need a new normal.
Needing a new normal usually comes from one of the following:
1.) Internal conflict: your values aren't aligning with your norms anymore. One example I hear often is when people grow up in a patriarchal household, yet their values regarding gender no longer align with that model of family life.
2.) Conflict in your relationships due to your norms clashing. Our expectations come from what we believe is the norm. When your expectations don't align, you're likely to end up in conflicts that can leave you in a power struggle. This can come in many forms, such as how responsibilities are divided, how you approach disagreements, what is acceptable behavior, how much involvement is expected from extended family, what each of you believes affection looks like, etc. A willingness to co-creating a new normal for your relationship is often required if the relationship is going to continue without resentment or dissolution.
Creating and Maintaining healthy relationships that work for everyone requires knowing what your norms and expectations are, and practicing flexibility. Whatever the reason you have for wanting or sometimes needing a new normal, keep in mind the following
- You have a fundamental right to create or co-create new norms in your life.
- Your current norms or the norms you grew up with do not have to be the norms you carry forward.
- You have the right to enjoy your life.
- Like all change, the process is usually uncomfortable.
Ideas for creating new norms that enrich your life and might even save your relationships.
Keep in mind that the list below is by no means comprehensive. Use these as a starting point to start brainstorming what kind of new norms you'd like to integrate into your life.
- What do you want the norm to be regarding how you express appreciation and feel appreciated?
- What kind of norm would you like to have regarding how your family deals with conflict? Do you need to make a conscious effort to address conflict early to avoid explosive arguments becoming the norm? Perhaps integrating weekly or bi-weekly family meetings to address challenges from the week or encourage people to share their concerns who usually shy away from conflict?
- Is there a need for improvement in the way you show respect in your family? How might you demonstrate this to your loved ones?
- Would you like to adjust the norm regarding how much time is spent with your immediate family? Your extended family?
- What kind of norms do you want to establish regards meals together? Play? Pleasure? Time with friends? Kinds of activities that you participate in? Amount of activities? Technology in the home? Holidays traditions?
- What norm would you like to establish regarding the sharing of emotions (guys too)? dance parties in the living room? storytelling? playing pranks (the good-hearted kind)? Sharing household responsibilities?
Amazing Tips On How We Unintentionally Parent
