Is Venting Biting you in the A**?

Let me be the first to say that I love the opportunity to vent. For me, like most people, it can be a full body cathartic experience to get something off my chest. Not to mention, if the person I am sharing with is able to demonstrate active listening (eye contact, nods, ask questions), be patient and empathize with whatever my woe happens to be, it usually leaves me feeling more deeply connected to them. 

What's really happening when we vent?

When something's upsetting, it causes our own stress and anxiety to rise. Small doses of this are normal and manageable, but as it builds, we start to look for opportunities to vent. When we "get something off our chest", we are quite literally transferring our anxiety from ourselves to someone else. This is one of the great benefits of being in loving, attentive relationships. We carry the burdens and stress of one another, which helps us deal with the normal and predictable challenges of life, and helps us feel like others are "with us" in our struggles. 

Two ways venting can bite us in the a**

As stated above, venting transfers our anxiety and stress from us to others. Moreover, our anxiety goes back to a more manageable level. 

1.) Venting can bite you and me in the ass when real change is needed. The catalyst for change (often high levels of distress that feel unmanageable) essentially gets undermined because we cope so well via venting. The real danger with venting is that you can use it to cope so well, that you cope yourself into accepting the status quo. Your anxiety and distress don't have the opportunity to mount to such a level that the unknown of change is preferred to the unpleasant realities of the present. This applies across the board from to careers, to home life, to friendships to politics. 

2.) Venting can have an erosive effect on our relationships if the venting is one sided, or dominates interactions. It's not uncommon for folks to start to dread these relationships and slowly pull away, as the listener can easily feel used as "free therapy".  

What this looks like in real life.

What usually develops is what's called a Relational Triangle. Person A is upset with person B, and instead of dealing with issue X directly with person B, person A shares the frustration with person C. Creating this triangle meets the need of decreasing stress for person A, has a stabilizing effect on person A and person B's relationship, and creates a more intimate relationship between person A and person C. However, it also limits person A and person B's capacity to deal with their issues and bring about any real substantial change. 

Stress and anxiety can often be a signal that something is not right, that something needs to change. In the same way that chronic pain in the body needs to be attended to, so does emotional/relational stress. If you're chronically unhappy at work and you've been venting for some time, maybe instead of only venting, pay attention to your dissatisfaction. If it could speak, what would it say? What direct conversation needs to happen with your boss, co-worker, etc? Is there a need for systemic change in the office? Or perhaps even a job/career change? In your personal life, what do you find yourself complaining about most often? If you're not speaking directly to person B about issue X, who are you channeling that stress to? Is that coping method undermining the opportunity for your relationship to grow? 

 

tips to manage stress & anxiety Well

Without it damaging relationships or missing cues that change is needed. 

1.) Make sure the person you're sharing with has the bandwidth at that moment for you to share. Check in with them and just ask "Hi, do you mind if I vent for a few minutes?".  Respect if they are just mentally and emotionally not in a good place to carry anymore at that time. On the receiving end, if you're just not in a good spot to carry anymore, just be honest and let the person trying to share know you love them but are already feeling overwhelmed by your own stuff or the day or the kids or whatever it is. Ask if you can take care of yourself first via a shower, a walk, calling a friend, bad TV (my personal favorite), etc. and follow up with them after you've met your own needs.
 
2.) Diversify your people. Relationships get weighted down when they are characterized by one party dumping all their anxiety of the other, and it starts to feel more like therapy than friendship. Or just go find a therapist to free up your friendships. 

3.) Be mindful of how long your venting. My husband and I (under normal circumstances and as long as we've got the bandwidth) offer one another an empathetic audience that is time-limited so as to avoid over-burdening the relationship. 

4.) Pay attention to chronic complaints. If something in your life needs to change or be addressed, likely that issue won't go away on its own. Don't like how someone talks to you? What assignments you get at work? What falls on your shoulders at home? Just venting about things you really want changed usually doesn't create change until you address things directly with the person with whom you're having the issue. Relational triangles are sneaky, and it's easy to create them or be pulled into them by others unintentionally. 

What's Normal in Relationships?

I hear this question a lot. Folks going about their lives and sometimes unsure if what they are doing or experiencing is normal. This is a really tricky question. And frankly, I think it's the wrong question to be asking. There is a lot that is "normal" that's terrible. Social media is explicitly demonstrating that sexual harassment is normal, with the bravery of women and men posting "me too" and sharing their stories. This is a glaring and horrific example of something that's "normal" yet utterly shameful. 

If the goal is creating and maintaining healthy relationships, I propose there are two questions that are significantly more useful. 

1.) What's normal for you?
2.) What do you want/need to be your new normal?

What's normal for you?

The single most powerful force that shapes our perspective of what's "normal" is our experiences growing up. The way we see our families handle conflict, stress, disappointment, friendships, love, work, emotions etc. provide a blueprint for us as we grow up and engage in similar experiences. This blueprint for normal is often a mixed bag. Most of us are given some norms that help us navigate our lives well, along with some other norms that are significantly less useful and even problematic. 

In 2005, David Foster Wallace gave a commencement speech that garnered a good bit of attention. He starts the speech with the story below:

"There are these two young fish swimming along, and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way. He nods at them and says, 'Morning boys, how's the water?' The two young fish swim on for a bit, and eventually one looks over at the other and goes 'What the hell is water'

This is often how our individual and family norms function. They're so familiar to us, that we often have a hard time even noticing them until they begin to give us trouble. 

When you need a new normal.

Needing a new normal usually comes from one of the following:
 1.) Internal conflict: your values aren't aligning with your norms anymore. One example I hear often is when people grow up in a  patriarchal household, yet their values regarding gender no longer align with that model of family life. 
2.) Conflict in your relationships due to your norms clashing. Our expectations come from what we believe is the norm. When your expectations don't align, you're likely to end up in conflicts that can leave you in a power struggle. This can come in many forms, such as how responsibilities are divided, how you approach disagreements, what is acceptable behavior, how much involvement is expected from extended family, what each of you believes affection looks like, etc. A willingness to co-creating a new normal for your relationship is often required if the relationship is going to continue without resentment or dissolution. 

Creating and Maintaining healthy relationships that work for everyone requires knowing what your norms and expectations are, and practicing flexibility. Whatever the reason you have for wanting or sometimes needing a new normal, keep in mind the following

• You have a fundamental right to create or co-create new norms in your life.
• Your current norms or the norms you grew up with do not have to be the norms you carry forward.
• You have the right to enjoy your life.
• Like all change, the process is usually uncomfortable. 

Ideas for creating new norms that enrich your life and might even save your relationships. 

Keep in mind that the list below is by no means comprehensive. Use these as a starting point to start brainstorming what kind of new norms you'd like to integrate into your life. 

• What do you want the norm to be regarding how you express appreciation and feel appreciated?
• What kind of norm would you like to have regarding how your family deals with conflict? Do you need to make a conscious effort to address conflict early to avoid explosive arguments becoming the norm? Perhaps integrating weekly or bi-weekly family meetings to address challenges from the week or encourage people to share their concerns who usually shy away from conflict?
• Is there a need for improvement in the way you show respect in your family? How might you demonstrate this to your loved ones?
• Would you like to adjust the norm regarding how much time is spent with your immediate family? Your extended family?
• What kind of norms do you want to establish regards meals together? Play? Pleasure? Time with friends? Kinds of activities that you participate in? Amount of activities? Technology in the home? Holidays traditions?
• What norm would you like to establish regarding the sharing of emotions (guys too)? dance parties in the living room? storytelling? playing pranks (the good-hearted kind)? Sharing household responsibilities?

Feeling Disconnected from your Partner? Try this.

Folks often come to couples therapy because they're feeling disconnected. They've tried hard. They're exhausted and hopelessness is starting to seep inside. The spark and intimacy in their relationship are fading and they're unsure if it can be restored.

What happened to our Relationship? 

A tale of two boats. A common story.

When relationships first start, it's like two separate boats coming side by side, admiring the other, feeling excited to be around the other and dreaming of the adventures ahead of them as they cruise around this life together. The opportunities usually feel endless, and the pull towards the other's boat can feel magnetic. There's even plenty of leaping into one another's boats and allowing the rest of the world to fade away. Who wouldn't want this to last forever? So often we try. However, before we realize it, we are cruising around our lives in one boat. It starts out feeling nice and cozy. However, as time marches on, this boat you're sharing can begin to feel crowded and stifling, with occasional fantasies about jumping ship. And soon enough you're waist deep in fights about who is driving the boat, where the boat gets to go, what's allowed on the boat, etc.

There is more conflict than desire for one another, as there isn't much "other" left. When faced with this experience, the most common tactic folks use to try to remedy this is to spend more time together. However, as counter-intuitive as it may seem, rebuilding connection looks like re-establishing individual boats to allow for increased space between one another.

Intentionally creating this increased space between one another, as scary as it may feel, gives you a chance to see the other and be drawn back towards one another. 

And yes, this can equate to less time together but also a decrease in conflict and opportunity for deeper connection.

5 ways to rebuild your relationship by rebuilding your own boat. 

• Get to know yourself again. Do you want to resume an old hobby? Pick up a new one? Engage in a creative venture that you've felt you just couldn't fit into your life? If there is something you've been forgoing because your partner doesn't want to participate, revisit this topic with them and discuss how you can create space in your relationship for you to enjoy this activity.
• Develop some independent friendships. Mutual friends are great but work towards investing a little more time into relationships that don't revolve around your relationship with your partner.
• Be honest about your preferences. If you don't like certain activities, certain movies, speak up about them and allow your partner the opportunity to engage in these activities independently or with others that enjoy these more.
• Give yourself license to fall on your face. Balancing your own boat while staying connected to your partner is a relationship long balancing act. At times, you'll feel like you're in a groove and other times you'll realize your boat sank or you aren't even quite sure where your partner's boat is. The important thing is that you realize where you're at, and work towards correcting course.
• Communicate with your partner what you're up to.  It can be very alarming for your partner if you suddenly jump out of the boat you've been cruising in together. "You're abandoning me!" they'll exclaim. It's completely logical and your partner is not crazy for worrying about this. That is exactly what it might feel like to them. Communicate calmly and provide reassurance to them. Change is uncomfortable, even if it's good for relationships. So just talk to them about how you're working on strengthening the relationship by rediscovering parts of yourself you let fall to the wayside during the course of the relationship.

How to avoid screwing this up.

Whatever you do, do not send this article to your partner and declare that you are no longer required to do anything with them that doesn't appeal to you. That's not what this is saying. All relationships require flexibility with one another and participating in activities that you don't prefer. This is about looking at your relationship and figuring out where you fall on the "separateness and togetherness" spectrum. Each of you was drawn to who one another was, so provide one another the opportunity to be fully yourselves in this relationship. And as you rediscover your individual sense of self apart from your relationships, you'll be on your way to reconnecting with those you love in deeper and more sustaining ways.

The Benefits of Listening to our Discomfort

Like you, I have an affinity for feeling happy. I am certainly better company when I am feeling happy, as I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve despite my best efforts.

Also like you, I have my preferred methods of dealing with unpleasant emotions that attempt to usurp my positive attitude. Many of us were trained from a young age that when we feel uncomfortable emotions, we should try to get back to feeling happy by avoiding these feelings, burying them, or simply pretending they are not there. You know, put on a happy face. 

Our aversion to uncomfortable emotions is as normal and understandable as having a dislike for a backache. No one hopes to have more "achy back" in their life.  However, when our muscles ache, our body is telling us something is going on and we need to listen and attend to our bodies. We may need to give our bodies a rest, make changes to our lifestyle or go see a physician. When we experience physical pain, our bodies are providing us with information about the state of our body so we can address issues and stay healthy. When emotional aches try to come into awareness, it can be difficult to treat this as information simply because we usually aren't very good at making room and listening to uncomfortable emotions.

Our tendency to avoid negative emotions leaves us profoundly disconnected from what is happening in our lives and relationships. 

I propose that we start treating our emotions as conduits of information. We will always have a preference for feeling happy over feeling an uncomfortable emotion such as sadness, fear, anxiety, jealousy and the like. However, these have a vital role to play in our lives. When we feel some uncomfortable emotion, it is information that needs to be given attention and an appropriate response.

Here's where we can start:

• Take a deep breathe and get curious about your emotions. Start paying attention to when you feel upset, or when you start to (sometimes automatically) utilize your preferred method of dealing with uncomfortable emotions. (Side note: Coping skills are great, and we all need them! However, if we are not accustomed to listening to our uncomfortable emotions, we may miss the information they are trying to communicate to us.)
• Give extra attention to emotions that are recurring or chronic. Whether you are feeling discontent in your profession, sad about an interaction, or angry about a perceived inequality. Take the time to think through what's contributing to your emotional reaction, and how you can thoughtful respond or begin making changes. 
• When someone else comes to you upset, resist the urge to try to fix their problem or make them happy again. At least at first. We are usually as uncomfortable with other people's negative emotions as we are with our own.  When someone we care for is sad or disappointed, it is our natural response to want to make those feelings disappear. However, focus on hearing them out and validating their distress. You can say something as simple as "Wow, I can see how hard/upsetting/scary/difficult this is for you." I am constantly amazed by how relieved people can feel just from feeling heard.

The appropriate responses to our discomfort will vary greatly, in the same way that our physical aches and pains require various responses. At times, we need to take actions to address issues, and other times our discomfort is simply a normal part of growth and development. So let's take a deep breath, and allow ourselves to listen to those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that linger in the outskirts of our awareness. They have information that will benefit our lives.  

Dealing with Conflict and Getting Intimate with your Partner

Recently, I’ve been teaching a class about the transition to marriage, and one of the things we discussed was some best practices for dealing with conflict. Every couple in the class could identify with the frustration that comes with feeling as if you’re fighting in circles with your partner, and not making any progress. Before you know it, defensiveness and criticism have crept into the conflict, and you have barely touched the issue that needs to be discussed and hopefully resolved. 

The question is not how to get rid of the conflict in our relationships, but how do we engage in conflict in a healthy way that leads to increased intimacy and admiration between partners? Some people may wonder if this is even possible. 

The answer is yes. But we need to understand what’s really going on during our conflicts if we are going to engage in conflict in a way that builds up our relationships, instead of tearing them down. 

Understanding Conflict

This experience of going in circles often stems from what is called a “pursuer-distancer dynamic” in relationships.  We tend to see this most strongly in intimate partner relationships, but it can occur in any relationship. The process goes like this: 

When there is tension about an issue or concern about the relationship - everyone’s anxiety naturally goes up. People attempt to manage their anxiety by either pursuing or distancing. 

• Pursuing: The partner who tends to manage their anxiety by pursuing attempts to get closer to their partner, requests more time, attention, conversation and information. The last thing they want is to feel rejected by their partner. 
• Distancing: The partner who tends to manage their anxiety by distancing will get quiet, avoid talking about the issue, avoid engaging with their partner, request more alone time, or even pretend like the issue is not valid. The last thing the distancer wants is to feel overwhelmed or criticized by their partner. 

The writing on the wall is not hard to decipher. 

The very behaviors the pursuer is using to decrease their anxiety (trying to get close to their partner), inadvertently raises the anxiety of their distancer. The distancer usually responds by withdrawing as a means of decreasing their anxiety (trying to get space), which inadvertently raise the anxiety of the pursuer. And around and around they go!

It’s important to note that neither the pursuer or the distancer are solely responsible for starting or maintaining this cycle. Each person contributes to the cycle, and if either party changes their pursuing or distancing behaviors, the cycle changes. Also, in some situations or some relationships you may be more of the pursuer, and in others, more of the distancer. 

But in order to stay out of these unhelpful cycles of conflict, you'll need to find a different way to manage anxiety, be willing to tolerate a new level of anxiety, and risk being more vulnerable in your relationships. 

• For the distancer, this means resisting the urge to withdraw physically, emotionally or intellectually from the conflict. Basically, you’ve got to practice showing up in the conflict instead of running away. 
• And for the pursuers, this means resisting the urge to chase after your partner, especially if you sense them pulling away and breathe through a new and uncomfortable level of distance during a conflict. Generally speaking, the more you dig, the less you get. 

So where does this leave a couple? Surely, never addressing your conflict and permanently feeling anxious is not the solution. Instead, focus on reigning in your tendency to be the pursuer/distancer in order to give each partner a better chance at staying in the conflict long enough to make some progress on the issue. Adjusting your focus to “how” you address conflict is what gives you the best chance at “if” you successfully address the issue (regardless of what the issue is). Then the hard (er) part comes: Now is the time when you bravely share with your partner the thoughts, feelings and desires that seem scary or impossible to share and work towards increased understanding and resolution. True intimacy requires transcending the fears that hold us back and opening up ourselves more fully to one another.  

When discussing this topic with the newly married class, they did something both beautiful and courageous. They requested information from one another about what they could do to support their partners in their efforts to resist their urges to either pursue or withdraw. 

• The distancers shared:
  • “When you have an issue that you want to discuss with me, the more gently you bring it up or the more of a heads up I have, the easier it is to resist running away.”
  • “The more gratitude you share about my efforts to engage with you, the more I want to try and the more confidence I have that I can resolve an issue.”
  • “At the end of the day, remember that it’s not that I don’t want to talk to you. Ultimately, I’m just afraid of disappointing you, hurting you or that I won’t be able to solve the problem.”
• The pursuers shared:
  • “If you don’t know how to solve the problem, or if you’re not ready to discuss it, it would help me calm down if you simply acknowledged there is an issue.”
  • “Communicate your commitment to discuss it at a better time, and that you do care about resolving things with me. Otherwise, it’s easy for me to feel abandoned and scared of losing you.”
  • “The more you speak up about being dissatisfied, the more confidence I have that I don’t have to go searching for what you’re unhappy about. At the end of the day, I want to know you're forthright with me, so I have a chance to adjust my behavior when I need to.”

I hope their bravery inspires you, as it did me. I hope you can see your part in your relationship dynamics more clearly, and that you use this information to engage in conflict in a way that leads to more intimate relationships and more lasting solutions. 

Finding your voice

Most parents can tell you the story of when their child “found their voice”. Suddenly, their child realizes they can make these amazing sounds come out of their mouth, and it creates a reaction in the people around them. A parent's response to this new development can vary, but generally they are comforted by knowing this is just a phase. 

Thankfully, as we grow, we learn better ways to communicate and get other’s attention in a more age appropriate manner. And for some of us, we continue to have experiences where we use our voice to communicate, and the people in our life respond to us in respectful, affirming ways. 

However, many of us have had experiences where we attempted to voice our thoughts and feelings, and it was either met with invalidation or we momentarily misplaced our courage and never quite got the words out. 

Working as a therapist, I am often sitting across from people who appear to have lost their voice. Whether they want many things to be different or simply to be heard, it is clear that somewhere along their life's journey, it became much harder to share their honest thoughts and feelings.  The distance and misunderstanding that is created from this relationship dynamic only reinforce the fears that keep us from opening ourselves up. 

And yet, relationships work best when all members have room to voice their thoughts and feelings, even when they are different from those around them. The conflict and the negotiating that ensue can create a connection and intimacy in relationships that a false sense of peace, from avoiding conflict, never could.

As an infant, finding our voice is considered a normal stage of healthy development. And as we get older, rediscovering our voice and learning how to utilize it well is just another stage of healthy development. Here are some things to keep in mind as you embark on this journey:

Noticing is the first step in creating change in relationships. 
So try noticing if your child wants to say something but looks timid or afraid of your response. Notice if your opinion seems to hold more weight than your colleagues and what that might be like for them. And notice in yourself the fears that creep in and hold you back from being more honest with those around you. 

Conflict is not the enemy. 
Using your voice will at times lead to conflict, but conflict is not the enemy. Conflict is an essential part of any healthy relationship. In fact, having "no conflict" can be a sign of a relationship in trouble. It usually means someone in the relationship is unsure of their ability to deal with the conflict in a healthy manner, and they opt to avoid it altogether. So instead of it being addressed, the conflict lurks in the shadows of our most precious relationships and leaves us feeling disconnected and alone.

Remember that the road to finding or strengthening your voice will be littered with fear and anxiety. 
Voicing our thoughts and feelings, especially with those we hold most dear, is indeed a scary task that will, at times, take more courage than you thought you had. But to create lasting change, you must embark on what is counterintuitive, push through the fear, so that you and your relationships can make a breakthrough. 

Honor all attempts to vocalize thoughts and feelings, no matter how small. 
Some people’s personalities allow them to dive headfirst into this process. However, most of us will need lots of small, positive experiences of using our voice to support us in building up to bigger, risky ones. When you see others attempt to voice something, honor it by listening and acknowledging that what they said has value simply because they do. Also, honor your own courage when you attempt to voice something new by responding to yourself with kindness and respect, instead of negative self-talk about how you could have done it better. 

Rejoice when you find a little more courage, be gentle with your relationships, and most of all, remember that no matter where you find yourself on this journey, your voice matters.