Is Venting Biting you in the A**?

Let me be the first to say that I love the opportunity to vent. For me, like most people, it can be a full body cathartic experience to get something off my chest. Not to mention, if the person I am sharing with is able to demonstrate active listening (eye contact, nods, ask questions), be patient and empathize with whatever my woe happens to be, it usually leaves me feeling more deeply connected to them. 

What's really happening when we vent?

When something's upsetting, it causes our own stress and anxiety to rise. Small doses of this are normal and manageable, but as it builds, we start to look for opportunities to vent. When we "get something off our chest", we are quite literally transferring our anxiety from ourselves to someone else. This is one of the great benefits of being in loving, attentive relationships. We carry the burdens and stress of one another, which helps us deal with the normal and predictable challenges of life, and helps us feel like others are "with us" in our struggles. 

Two ways venting can bite us in the a**

As stated above, venting transfers our anxiety and stress from us to others. Moreover, our anxiety goes back to a more manageable level. 

1.) Venting can bite you and me in the ass when real change is needed. The catalyst for change (often high levels of distress that feel unmanageable) essentially gets undermined because we cope so well via venting. The real danger with venting is that you can use it to cope so well, that you cope yourself into accepting the status quo. Your anxiety and distress don't have the opportunity to mount to such a level that the unknown of change is preferred to the unpleasant realities of the present. This applies across the board from to careers, to home life, to friendships to politics. 

2.) Venting can have an erosive effect on our relationships if the venting is one sided, or dominates interactions. It's not uncommon for folks to start to dread these relationships and slowly pull away, as the listener can easily feel used as "free therapy".  

What this looks like in real life.

What usually develops is what's called a Relational Triangle. Person A is upset with person B, and instead of dealing with issue X directly with person B, person A shares the frustration with person C. Creating this triangle meets the need of decreasing stress for person A, has a stabilizing effect on person A and person B's relationship, and creates a more intimate relationship between person A and person C. However, it also limits person A and person B's capacity to deal with their issues and bring about any real substantial change. 

Stress and anxiety can often be a signal that something is not right, that something needs to change. In the same way that chronic pain in the body needs to be attended to, so does emotional/relational stress. If you're chronically unhappy at work and you've been venting for some time, maybe instead of only venting, pay attention to your dissatisfaction. If it could speak, what would it say? What direct conversation needs to happen with your boss, co-worker, etc? Is there a need for systemic change in the office? Or perhaps even a job/career change? In your personal life, what do you find yourself complaining about most often? If you're not speaking directly to person B about issue X, who are you channeling that stress to? Is that coping method undermining the opportunity for your relationship to grow? 

 

tips to manage stress & anxiety Well

Without it damaging relationships or missing cues that change is needed. 

1.) Make sure the person you're sharing with has the bandwidth at that moment for you to share. Check in with them and just ask "Hi, do you mind if I vent for a few minutes?".  Respect if they are just mentally and emotionally not in a good place to carry anymore at that time. On the receiving end, if you're just not in a good spot to carry anymore, just be honest and let the person trying to share know you love them but are already feeling overwhelmed by your own stuff or the day or the kids or whatever it is. Ask if you can take care of yourself first via a shower, a walk, calling a friend, bad TV (my personal favorite), etc. and follow up with them after you've met your own needs.
 
2.) Diversify your people. Relationships get weighted down when they are characterized by one party dumping all their anxiety of the other, and it starts to feel more like therapy than friendship. Or just go find a therapist to free up your friendships. 

3.) Be mindful of how long your venting. My husband and I (under normal circumstances and as long as we've got the bandwidth) offer one another an empathetic audience that is time-limited so as to avoid over-burdening the relationship. 

4.) Pay attention to chronic complaints. If something in your life needs to change or be addressed, likely that issue won't go away on its own. Don't like how someone talks to you? What assignments you get at work? What falls on your shoulders at home? Just venting about things you really want changed usually doesn't create change until you address things directly with the person with whom you're having the issue. Relational triangles are sneaky, and it's easy to create them or be pulled into them by others unintentionally. 

What's Normal in Relationships?

I hear this question a lot. Folks going about their lives and sometimes unsure if what they are doing or experiencing is normal. This is a really tricky question. And frankly, I think it's the wrong question to be asking. There is a lot that is "normal" that's terrible. Social media is explicitly demonstrating that sexual harassment is normal, with the bravery of women and men posting "me too" and sharing their stories. This is a glaring and horrific example of something that's "normal" yet utterly shameful. 

If the goal is creating and maintaining healthy relationships, I propose there are two questions that are significantly more useful. 

1.) What's normal for you?
2.) What do you want/need to be your new normal?

What's normal for you?

The single most powerful force that shapes our perspective of what's "normal" is our experiences growing up. The way we see our families handle conflict, stress, disappointment, friendships, love, work, emotions etc. provide a blueprint for us as we grow up and engage in similar experiences. This blueprint for normal is often a mixed bag. Most of us are given some norms that help us navigate our lives well, along with some other norms that are significantly less useful and even problematic. 

In 2005, David Foster Wallace gave a commencement speech that garnered a good bit of attention. He starts the speech with the story below:

"There are these two young fish swimming along, and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way. He nods at them and says, 'Morning boys, how's the water?' The two young fish swim on for a bit, and eventually one looks over at the other and goes 'What the hell is water'

This is often how our individual and family norms function. They're so familiar to us, that we often have a hard time even noticing them until they begin to give us trouble. 

When you need a new normal.

Needing a new normal usually comes from one of the following:
 1.) Internal conflict: your values aren't aligning with your norms anymore. One example I hear often is when people grow up in a  patriarchal household, yet their values regarding gender no longer align with that model of family life. 
2.) Conflict in your relationships due to your norms clashing. Our expectations come from what we believe is the norm. When your expectations don't align, you're likely to end up in conflicts that can leave you in a power struggle. This can come in many forms, such as how responsibilities are divided, how you approach disagreements, what is acceptable behavior, how much involvement is expected from extended family, what each of you believes affection looks like, etc. A willingness to co-creating a new normal for your relationship is often required if the relationship is going to continue without resentment or dissolution. 

Creating and Maintaining healthy relationships that work for everyone requires knowing what your norms and expectations are, and practicing flexibility. Whatever the reason you have for wanting or sometimes needing a new normal, keep in mind the following

• You have a fundamental right to create or co-create new norms in your life.
• Your current norms or the norms you grew up with do not have to be the norms you carry forward.
• You have the right to enjoy your life.
• Like all change, the process is usually uncomfortable. 

Ideas for creating new norms that enrich your life and might even save your relationships. 

Keep in mind that the list below is by no means comprehensive. Use these as a starting point to start brainstorming what kind of new norms you'd like to integrate into your life. 

• What do you want the norm to be regarding how you express appreciation and feel appreciated?
• What kind of norm would you like to have regarding how your family deals with conflict? Do you need to make a conscious effort to address conflict early to avoid explosive arguments becoming the norm? Perhaps integrating weekly or bi-weekly family meetings to address challenges from the week or encourage people to share their concerns who usually shy away from conflict?
• Is there a need for improvement in the way you show respect in your family? How might you demonstrate this to your loved ones?
• Would you like to adjust the norm regarding how much time is spent with your immediate family? Your extended family?
• What kind of norms do you want to establish regards meals together? Play? Pleasure? Time with friends? Kinds of activities that you participate in? Amount of activities? Technology in the home? Holidays traditions?
• What norm would you like to establish regarding the sharing of emotions (guys too)? dance parties in the living room? storytelling? playing pranks (the good-hearted kind)? Sharing household responsibilities?

The Benefits of Listening to our Discomfort

Like you, I have an affinity for feeling happy. I am certainly better company when I am feeling happy, as I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve despite my best efforts.

Also like you, I have my preferred methods of dealing with unpleasant emotions that attempt to usurp my positive attitude. Many of us were trained from a young age that when we feel uncomfortable emotions, we should try to get back to feeling happy by avoiding these feelings, burying them, or simply pretending they are not there. You know, put on a happy face. 

Our aversion to uncomfortable emotions is as normal and understandable as having a dislike for a backache. No one hopes to have more "achy back" in their life.  However, when our muscles ache, our body is telling us something is going on and we need to listen and attend to our bodies. We may need to give our bodies a rest, make changes to our lifestyle or go see a physician. When we experience physical pain, our bodies are providing us with information about the state of our body so we can address issues and stay healthy. When emotional aches try to come into awareness, it can be difficult to treat this as information simply because we usually aren't very good at making room and listening to uncomfortable emotions.

Our tendency to avoid negative emotions leaves us profoundly disconnected from what is happening in our lives and relationships. 

I propose that we start treating our emotions as conduits of information. We will always have a preference for feeling happy over feeling an uncomfortable emotion such as sadness, fear, anxiety, jealousy and the like. However, these have a vital role to play in our lives. When we feel some uncomfortable emotion, it is information that needs to be given attention and an appropriate response.

Here's where we can start:

• Take a deep breathe and get curious about your emotions. Start paying attention to when you feel upset, or when you start to (sometimes automatically) utilize your preferred method of dealing with uncomfortable emotions. (Side note: Coping skills are great, and we all need them! However, if we are not accustomed to listening to our uncomfortable emotions, we may miss the information they are trying to communicate to us.)
• Give extra attention to emotions that are recurring or chronic. Whether you are feeling discontent in your profession, sad about an interaction, or angry about a perceived inequality. Take the time to think through what's contributing to your emotional reaction, and how you can thoughtful respond or begin making changes. 
• When someone else comes to you upset, resist the urge to try to fix their problem or make them happy again. At least at first. We are usually as uncomfortable with other people's negative emotions as we are with our own.  When someone we care for is sad or disappointed, it is our natural response to want to make those feelings disappear. However, focus on hearing them out and validating their distress. You can say something as simple as "Wow, I can see how hard/upsetting/scary/difficult this is for you." I am constantly amazed by how relieved people can feel just from feeling heard.

The appropriate responses to our discomfort will vary greatly, in the same way that our physical aches and pains require various responses. At times, we need to take actions to address issues, and other times our discomfort is simply a normal part of growth and development. So let's take a deep breath, and allow ourselves to listen to those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that linger in the outskirts of our awareness. They have information that will benefit our lives.